Brand new year today and the way I decided to treat myself was to hide myself in my studio and have some snacks and give myself some time to WRITE, which I still love doing, and still haven't figured out how to structure my life in such a way that I can prioritize it. There is part of myself that wants to be frustrated that I don't write or meditate every day and that the house somehow manages to never be totally clean and organized the way I want it to be. And there is another part of myself that has to admit and accept that I make choices every day that impact my ability to do those things - I choose to spend time most evenings watching recurring series to pick up any minor plot that I have missed and I choose to stay connected to many of my friends/ flirty dude and exercise my social leanings frequently, if in different forms than in previous years, and all of these choices result in having to accept compromise and the reality that I cannot devote all of my time to any one thing, and therefore won't do everything and can't do everything. I'm working on it, and simultaneously fascinated as I discover my own internalized biases against agedness. At this point I am not sure. So mote it be.
I feel a little fixated on observing the passing of time and analyzing the unfolding of my life. I evaluated all of these aspects of my life, two concepts notably being my recognition and acceptance of my then single-ness and beginning to let go of my comfort zone in Sydney, which both stand in stark contrast to now. Now I am just months away from my returning day to Sydney, where I have lived in the past 10 years and place I gained most positive successes I have ever known, and looking forward a continuing journey to my enthrallingly delightful land.
Many years back, I felt fascinated by how rapidly and drastically the road ahead of me, at that time, was about to change terrain. That process has become the essence of how I see life being functional for myself. Till last year, I relocated to Abu Dhabi, a choice that certainly impacts my future outcomes, to work with the circumstances over which I have no control and present to me something different in every moment seems like the only way to achieve peace. This period in Abu Dhabi has trained me well to be patience and move forward all the while doing the things I can to influence my own life. Today I can say with a feeling of great gratification that I have done exactly that. I did not immediately do that, nor am I in the midst of a robust, busy work schedule providing ample income. I envision that being down the road and will keep working toward it.
At this significant milestone, I do not enjoy being engaged in this work that feels deeply unsatisfying. Despite the enthusiastic positive feedback I have received, the soul-deep satisfaction is minimum. At the age of 30, the successes are insignificant. The aging... it's starting to get challenging. I wish it weren't true, but it is. It is another phase of life. I have been pondering for a while how am I possibly elevate this phase to a higher notch. I've done a lot in my 20s including attaining a number of degrees with the highest as Doctor of Philosophy and property-wise an Accord Euro which then replaced with Audi A5 and lastly the multi million Ringgit apartment in Sydney. Now I need to give my 30s a definition, get to the root of it and ameliorate it. I might be reaching the end of that belief. It is not coming with any great mourning, but more of that stoic acceptance.
I am starting to have insight into my elders as I am more and more often experiencing a mindset that feels archetypically older. I seek more quiet than I ever have, choosing to listen to classical music over, much of the time. I quitted partying some while ago and go out much less often. I am reluctant to travel alone and I feel myself cringe a little as I admit it. I am experiencing a waning. Some of the activist fire in my belly is dwindling. Writing that sentence brought me to tears. A lot of tears. I think because it is admitting defeat. I think I need to be crystal clear here - I will never, ever accept that the way I am leading my 30s is reasonable or appropriate. I know there is a better way, beyond the shadow of a doubt.
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