A diverging and converging path

Ever since I picked the path to pursue an engineering degree, I have then considered a career in engineering, thrive on problem solving. I have spent a bit of time exploring this broad field, and I figured out in the early age that I gonna do something mechanical. I have never expected that I would end up now in academia, stranded in the ivory tower ever since. This post is nothing about venting, but it is a perspective that I would like to share, probably for one to move forward productively if stranded somewhere for whatsoever reason. 

Last summer heralded the culmination of years of hard works when I submitted my thesis in August 2011 and then passed the viva with minor correction and eventually awarded Doctor of Philosophy in Engineering towards the end of 2011. Prior to my submission, I received a tenure track offer in my school and immediately sucked into its clutches as a full-time teaching and research based staff a week after. The process of correcting my thesis was indeed a piece of cake and I did it in a relax manner knowing that I can do it slow as I have a job to cover my bills and I needed not to join the unemployed masses like others. Life was indeed a blessing and perhaps I took life too easy. It was time I told myself: this is going to be temporarily and I will job hunt for more promising careers very soon. 

Job hunting processes commenced early this year and I considered myself quite lucky to receive couple of offers. There were a Research Scientist position offered in CSIRO in Melbourne, then a Post-doctoral fellow in A*star Singapore followed by. Despite the inspiring job titles, both were less attractive in terms of pay in relative to the time and effort. After some thoughts that involved great agitation and soul-searching, I turned down the offers while some of my friends were striking hard to get a job upon the awards of their degrees. It is dreadful to think that one have to hide his/her PhD in order to get a job, more humiliatingly to apply for unskilled job and things get even awful when those other who left university with Bachelor degree have been in professional jobs for the last few years. 

My attempt in seeking job ceased then. Months has then gone and I have this little trick in mind that put me to the scene comparing what I currently possessed and what my ex-coursemates have accomplished in living after a 4 years gap. I started to wonder if my effort is worthwhile and there was a point of time my own thinking had been skewed. It seemed that it has never been the case that doing a PhD will automatically result in a good job, in the same way that doing an undergraduate degree won't necessarily result in one having a graduate job. I was still thinking to jump from academia once I can adequately cross package my skills and experiences. 

Life goes on and I spent the second half of the year in 2012 aimlessly. The miserable academic life make me depressed about being undervalued, and going slowly stir crazy as my intellectual skills atrophied. I firmly believe a PhD differentiates me from other graduates. I was so ambitious once that I thought I could do something remarkable with my PhD. There was a period I hide myself among people who are too distracted to interfere with the way I was constructing myself in the present, too lost amid contending trivialities to cultivate the searing perceptiveness that is needed for field-changing insights and the transformative work of teaching. It was hard for academic like me to live in the present because nearly all academic lead lives of deferred gratification. It is an inherent condition of the academic path from childhood forward. Instead of playing like others, I studied, instead of partying, I cultivated mentors. When my contemporaries began careers and families, I remained in the university, spending my mid 20s in relative poverty and uncertainty, thinking all the time of how I could be better off at some point in my 30s. 

After 7 years in Australia, I guess I have been pretty much adapted to the laidback lifestyle that I could not possibly seek one any place else in the world, a place of endless barbeques, where the sun’s always shining and the beach always beckoning. It is not about laziness or lack of productivity, but more on a balanced lifestyle between recreation and work. Somehow, I feel that I am contented with my life and I would like to settle down. This is contradictory to my initial thought. It led me then to the feeling of wondering if I have wasted years of my life, money, effort, etc striking so hard for this ultimate degree yet now chosen an easy path. 

I spoke to one of my old friend lately who is now in her final stage of PhD, we both came to an agreement that if we were to re-do the whole PhD, we really doubt if we can complete it. It is an extraordinary difficulty path. I feel bestowed that I have gone through it and I am done with it. Undeniably, it is a remarkable achievement in life and if it is to be weighted in figure, it is less than 1% in the world. The problem solving skill that I have acquired could be easily better than anyone else having gone through such long periods of tough training. It is simply massive logistical advance planning and preparation, and ongoing strategizing, and realistic goals, and a strong ethic of self-care and self-protection apart from the knowledge itself. 

Today, I see my path as an academic as a life affirming and joyful one. Being a singleton, I shall rejoice given the opportunity to start my careers in an expensive city with abundant intellectual and cultural resources away from cash-strapped family members, for pragmatic reasons, be great thrilled. I have now a decent starting salary, start-up packages, and most plausibly an internal research grant awarded to me as sole researcher in 2013. I am affirmed that I am doing what I truly want now and the blessings are indeed upon my head. I am ascertained I will proceed armed in 2013 and no longer with self-delusion, but with knowledge and a promising plan. What’s about my ultimate career goal? I shall devote time to produce groundbreaking research. I will boost up my speed in developing my track record, i.e. publishing a large number or journals. 

Suddenly in the middle of adolescene

The hot sultry weather these days make me feel nostalgic for my recent trips back to Malaysia, Hong Kong and particularly a trip to Bangkok. Two weeks has now gone and I have been pretty much spending time fantasizing about what has happened back in my trips. I am glad that the trips somehow turn me away from my agonizing depression to current ebullient stage.

Life was a breeze then – the biggest decision was who you actually opted as your travel companions yet the biggest problem was the sweet torture of wondering if a certain one returned puppy love feelings. Life felt full of promise and choices.

17 Nov 2012

There was an unexpected catch up with Macho and Phoebe, both still as charming as ever. I recalled back the foolish game I have once played. As palpable as the instantaneous attraction was, the most overwhelming feeling was annoyance. I called it unparalleled annoyance that time. It was those days when I was so desperate in reaching it, only to have it slip through my fingers in the last second. I truly enjoyed the short catch up with both of them, particularly Macho’s remarks on people and things happened around. Those remarks came from him were simply so him yet mimicked the edgy undercurrent of my personality.

22 Nov 2012

I was up in the air with PC. The trip was planned with much anticipation. I was wondering how it will turn out the moment we met. It was some sort of balance and order that lurking inside me, that wild, beloved chaos theory that gave rise to the exquisite fractal rebelling. I was hoping I wouldn't swing my own pendulum too far destroying the balance in which I supposedly believed by believing in it too vehemently. Having gone through my adolescence that differ from most people, I have been all but wallowing in the pain of lost love and of unkept promises.

24 nov 2012

I had whale of time. Trip ended with his shadow that would re-projected into my thought in the next few years at least. Enjoy with PC around really despite the disappointment that our contact was restricted to merely shoulder and arm. Some parts of me are wishing that I were at PC's age, can go through what he has gone through.

Somehow I enjoyed the moment when public attentions were diverted to PC with me around. People are bestowed with different things in life. I got some intelligence, an above average look, some attention, I should be contented with so. While some people are born with that kind of look, attractive physical attribute, yet short of the achievement that can ever attained in life. When the very two distinguished personalities met, both with different built, there was not any spark, albeit I wish I could have some with PC really. Like I said, there is a time and a need for balance, fortunately I have not gone overboard this trip.

There was this little vignette in the trip. We were sitting in a cafe hiding in far end of the chatuchak market. A mint flavoured tea and Jazz music in the air took me through nostalgic moment with Tao back in 2002. I rang up Tao, on a moment like this. Tao can still recognise my voice, and remember me. Sometimes life isn't just perfect having the little memory on someone you have once liked, perhaps still like in these days? I have a moment of serenity and the syrup added to the mint tea further tickled my sense.

On the other side of the trip, D did pop up in my mind when I was drunk in the club. We shared too many memories, and I can barely stop seeing our footprints that was once engraved in this city. I will never ever forget the first time we visited here, utterly enchanted and enthralled to think that we would have came here together again and again in the future. The night in the club was all about memory flashing by, tear flowing down, mercilessly sneaking into my fragile mind. I was so invulnerable once, and I still...

Towards the end of the trip, I was totally unaware that I was wearing PC’s jumper in the remaining two hours that concluded the journey up in the sky. I felt great with PC sitting next to me. I treasured every single second with PC and enjoying the scene that he got tipsy at high altitudes. I started to wonder when will I have this chance again in future and will such feeling ever go away? Will I ever meet PC again in such occurrence? Probably PC would have forgotten me sooner or later. Nevertheless, I am contented having granted these three days that simply not meant to last. It is flabbergasted to find out that what I like about PC the moment we stumbled across to now ending a trip remain the same, both the thought and the feeling.

It is over now, yet I am still overwhelmed in it. I am grateful for the opportunity to live every minute of it. I have come this far.

十一月，我们再度相遇

在飞机上发呆了好一阵子，脑中浮起的皆是你的面容样子。 高空上，掺着淡淡的忧伤，弥漫在乘客沉睡的打呼声。寂寥的漫长旅程，被遗憾掏空的心绪，盘旋在这个小小空间里。手机播放着阿黛勒的伤感歌曲，周而复始不间断地在嘶哑。

 三天之旅确实短暂，但也非常充分，一切的一切仿佛如昨，清晰般的在我心底一帧一帧的放映。想了好几天，打底我是被你的什么深深吸引，肉体，样子，还是你的个性？

我喜欢你的年轻热血，和你做伴给我的是当年不曾拥有的两小无猜情愫，也是我向往如「孽子」，「十七岁的天空」里的纯爱。在你身上我可以找到那个感觉，和你做伴旅行我尝到那一份青涩。

从见面，过夜，登机，旅行到回国的78小时，我们几乎没离开过，记忆也贪婪地收藏你的一举一动。某夜我跟你分享了我不为人知的一些秘密，想要你对我更深一层的了解，你也告知了一些你的过去感情。有想过若我在早前认识你，估计随手可得，可是我喜欢的是现在略带理性的你。

走在你旁边，我尝试到了从未有的失焦，一度让我茫然，有种黄叶飘落的感觉。而我其实也不在乎，只是紧紧跟随，紧捉住偶然的身体碰触机会。跟你走在路上有种狐假虎威的感觉，类似当年和查斯明的影子。看是飘落，不是飘落，是一段又一段走近又走远的流年，是一场又一场心悸而又身不由己的邂逅。

好几夜的共眠，我并没捕捉到你的呼吸，也没感受到你的体温。我们中间仿佛隔了一片大海，两人睡在大床有着一些距离，中间的空隙感觉是那么遥远，几度从梦中醒来，感觉却是醒在梦中。难得的同床却也是难免的异梦。

我努力地把现在的感觉陈述出来，我不想重滔复则地把你完美化，毕竟曾经有过一个让我悲痛三个月的曹慧，而对你是仅次于当年对曹慧的眷恋。 我明白两者都已成过往，曾有的一切如云烟飘散不会重现。但我就是这样，生活可以单调，情感方面总是追求刺激，纵使跌得再痛，我还是放纵自己去陶醉地享受跌之前的刺激感。

迈进悉尼，划落一声萧索的叹息，回到现实，一切好像发了一场梦，愿这场梦淹没在苍凉的高空里，从此，各自天涯，安好…

Returning trip to Sekinchan

Growing up in a small town to where I am now residing in a vibrant city, I have been given the opportunity to enjoy and reflect on a different type of life. Saying there is a difference between living with a few thousand people and a few million is nothing short of a huge understatement. And I really feel this when coming back to my home town again.

Over the past few days, I traveled back to where I grew up and met up with friend long past. Needless to say, the time was well spent and helped bring me back to what really matters in life: those personal connections to friends, family, and places you grow up and live in.

One key thing I noticed was the sense of tranquillity I felt when I returned home. Even though the town has evolved (plenty new stores, a few old ones gone), it was largely the same. This commitment to tradition and local longevity is incredibly satisfying. True, if I had lived here the entire time, it may be not liveable at this point, but for a weary traveller coming back home after an extended period of time, the feeling of tradition and nostalgia was very welcomed.

Among other things, this helped promote a sense of durability and stability among what I know is true and right. It helps reinforce the way one looks at the world, assuring them that although the world is always changing, there are constants throughout it, providing us anchors for mental balance and strength. It provides a sense of sustainability, not unlike recycling.

The relationship with the town, though, is just one side of the coin. The people are what really matter – they are the ones who provide us with the connotation for the very life we lived. Among the most nostalgic feelings are those I get when visiting old friends. Memories begin to flash back, good times passed are chatted about, and those embarrassing incidents can now be laughed at – thankfully. More importantly, though, meeting up with old friend gives me the opportunity to sit and reflect on the person we have become. Sometimes, one won’t change at all – they will look the same and have the same sense of humour. Other times, though, you won’t even recognize the kid you lived down the street from and played with for many years.

These new experiences with old friends help define the people we are today. It puts our evolving personality into perspective and old friends are never hesitant to point out how you’ve grown and matured.

Today is my 4th day returning to my hometown, spent the day writing this post as well as working on the ECR grant application for 2013.

My PhD

This autumn heralds the graduation ceremony that I have once gone through in 2008. Looking back, it was all worth it. I was a fresh graduate back in 2008 to then a postgraduate and now a post-doc.

13 March 2012, the day has finally arrived. It appeared in my dreams many times, everything happened on that day seemed so familiar. The ceremony was such a sensational occasion - the culmination of years of hard work; the actualization of goals attained and the acknowledgement of successes achieved. I was so glad that this time, I have my parent here together with me to commemorate this moment- a moment when the trajectory of my hunger for highest academic qualification reached its destination. It has been a journey that started with tentative steps perhaps, but one that has taken me to remarkable heights. I have encountered heaps of trials and tribulations along the way...soldiered on and came out the stronger for them. I have experienced exceptional moments, magical moments and created memories that will be fondly remembered in the years ahead. Most significantly, I have a change in salutation in which I am in desperate need and I hope I will be greatly benefited in some other ways.

What an exhilarating ceremony it was, signaled the end of the limbo in exchange with the ostensible effort which is now amounted to a dissertation. My doctoral thesis write up that took up one whole year has been in many ways appears to be a solitary, isolating process. It is my formulaic piece, begins with a review of extant literature covering the general and specific fields of investigation, and the statement of a problem, followed by an exposition of the methodology used to investigate said problem, and the findings subsequently revealed. After some considerable analysis, there is a discussion of how the findings inform some resolution of the problem, and the implications thereof. Finally, there is the author’s reflection on the conclusions, some enumeration of the limitations of the study, suggested guidance for transforming discovered theory into practical application, and a statement of what further research may be inspired by the findings and conclusions of this research. It was indeed a marathon and I was living in savagery and brutality till late 2011.

As I look back over the last few years, certainly there was a beginning, and thankfully there was also progress and yes, undeniably I succeed it. I have enormous gratitude towards D who walked along with me through my moody adolescence. Of all those others in my personal life whose encouragement has been so vital, D’s has been heartfelt, consistent and deeply appreciated. D has been motivating forces that I could not have been without to reach this milestone. My thesis is certainly to be dedicated to D who never stops believing in me.

My parent who visited me here in 2008 and now 2012, both witnessed the beautiful moment. I can never thank them enough, particularly my mom who has phenomenal kindness, and given me a support, that I can only hope to repay in every single day from now. Thanks to my dad who raised me and showered me with Lego bricks, which inculcated me with a love of mechanics. To my mom and dad, I have certainly proved myself to be someone you can proud of, despite the disappointment I bring to the family in other sense. Thanks to my brothers who have offered unstinting belief.

Family 2008

Family 2012

Year 2011

A deep and sincere apology to my blog for not updating it for ages. My prevailing thought being, technical writing has used up all my brain juice and superseded this soliloquy in the name of luvprada that I cherish so much. It was till I read through other blogs about resolutions made for year 2012 and summaries of 2011. I am somehow driven to verbalize my own. Once again here, I would like to exhaust my exhibitionist tendencies to share my deep thoughts without fear of those who need not know finding out information never meant for them. Another say, I am just here to share my meanderings with friends on what are the significant things for me that happened in 2011.

Overall, 2011 was a great year for me. It was the year that brought me one of the ultimate sense of accomplishment and great achievement. I received my PhD and proudly address myself now and then with the prestigious title - Dr.

To recapitulate 2011:

Early January, I moved in to my own apartment after 4 years of residential college life and renting. I cooked, planted, and even walked naked sometimes in the living room. I have so much freedom and I design my life the way I want it to be. My Pooh bears get to have their own spaces, spacious and well protected.

With half a year gone, by the time the end of financial year rolled around, I bade farewell to the age of bus and train. It was the cessation of painful waiting and long rumbling moment to the university.

August, the meaningful one. The trajectory of my attempt to acquire the highest degree has reached its destination having gone through series of disappointment, failure, uncertainties to then solved problem, tackled obstacles. In my succinct summation: “If I were to do it again, I really doubt if I can finish it.”

Also, it was the month I got a full-time job and with less routine work but relatively lucrative pay, where I started to have the luxury to design my own life. It seemed that I encompassed both fame and money. The circulation and intersection between these two are often of cyclical nature with iterative or recursive characteristics, but now I am at where these two coincide.

September, I ran away from University and spent a week in New Zealand, as a retreat for the hard work and time I devoted to my dissertation in the past 3.5 years. There, in Auckland, I met my old old friend and had some great time.

October, I won myself $500 for the photo shooting contest using a picture I took in Rotorua, New Zealand. Life can be full of surprise sometimes.

November, I spent my birthday alone stranded in Melbourne presenting a conference paper, without any cake. For friends who left me a birthday wish, I respond here with a sincere thank you. For A.L. who sent me the email wishes and confessions, I am here to express my gratitude towards your sincere remarks.

December was the month I slowed down my pace heaps. I found myself caught up in self-reflection. I realize I need a strong track record to equip myself ready to the next phase of life. A professorship in 10 years time? I doubt if I am after that, but certainly why not if I can make it. I will continue living, pursue my professional and social goals and would not leave much space for boredom in my life. Resolutions made for 2012? I do not think I have anything specific, but rather I will work according to my plan and schedule in a long run.

I look forward my trip back to home country next week for the Chinese New Year celebration. This time however, "If returning alone is complicated for lack of a better word, then returning with that special someone is complicated because it is the best word."