Lately, my life has been in an intense and powerful transitionary space. It has been all encompassing and nothing feels solid, mainly to do with the recent fixed term full time job that I feel like settling down for an easy money with relatively less struggling efforts.
Thing just does not go my way and it is all just so fluid and flowing there is nothing to grasp onto. I feel as if someone can actually pick up all the pieces of my life and tossed them into the air and I am waiting, spellbound to see where each piece falls. I would really like to feel the free fall. I guess I like the free but I certainly fear the fall.
I have been fighting against chemical maelstroms in this unseasonable weather. Getting up early, catching up bus/train to university is getting so routine that I find my footsteps sometimes being electromagnetically sucked in backwards. I hardly speak in the whole day except to conduct class, I feel as the huge vacuums are swallowing my words. 1 hour return trip often catch me slicing on my phone screen and lost in the mournful croon of JJ’s song, 一眼万年. The fingerprints I left on the screen even seem to have diffused in blank air. There is a widening nothingness imposing its shadow on me. I feel my existence is impaired.
The return trip from Malaysia was a long abdominal rumbling moment accompanied by the heightening emotion. Upon returned from Malaysia and grounded in the land where it is too much for my own good, despite having fitful sleep ever since and woke often with a head full of things to do, it is exhilaration rather than exhaustion.
It has never occurred to you to bother, though I have discussed at length how my words are my art, that writing is my saving grace, that with my words I attempt to communicate. It has never occurred to you that what I say might matter enough to you to pursue. Simply there is too much distraction out there, too much unwillingness to pay commitment into a relationship with emotional attachment. The sheer fact that I write this post is a self reflection upon myself that I ought to have done perhaps some while ago.
An analogy that reflects this matter would be: I miss those old days, the craving for Malaysia foods. My home country is now nothing except my family who occupies much of my thoughts, perhaps, my old friends as well. I used to miss the foods back in Malaysia heaps. It is dreadful to find out that what I actually miss is not what I missed anymore. The greatest fear comes from returning to a place I have forever memorised, only to find that in different phase of my life, it seems like it has changed irrevocably but the place itself remains the same.
Transition, change of routines and personal upheaval are making my mind race and thrust towards the final dissertation for the journey i have engulfed upon in ages.
Today feels hard. Though summer is over, I am plagued with thoughts of one thing - a little Vietnam trip without me but with another him.
All these while, I perceived it as a privilege granted from you, having gone through different places with you throughout these years. Later, I even included you in my family trip. I realise now someone has taken that place.
I do feel a sneaking sense of dread. I come to the point to admit that, it used to be my privilege, I was so overwhelmed and now I should be happy you have found someone who could do a better job than me.
There is so much to think about, so much to be concerned about. I need to reconvene here, get perspective, and simplify. A simple truth is, having learnt that you are willing to do so simply mean too much. We are now separated by a decay wall in the name of Pipu and it is covered by greyish veil of lies.
I stick to my powerful tenet of belief, that all acts of love and pleasure towards you serve a higher purpose. But, running a life that equipped with the essence of your betrayal in the southern hemisphere, I have been a freak.
I should be grateful for having been granted the joy of fun and affection from you at some parts of my life but just not meant to last.
