A rainy morning…

I woke up at 5am, for the third consecutive days. I tried to hid back under the lovely blanket. I was hoping I could trap my sleepiness under my blanket before it completely went away but it was no use, once I was awake and back to conscious, it was practically impossible for me to go back to bed again. I contemplated the merits of spending the whole day vegetating on the bed for a few moments before hauling my tush out of bed, getting ready for the long day ahead of me.

It was dream of home again. In less than 5 days, I will be home, back to my benevolent land, SKC.



Returning to the place one grew up in after a lengthy absence can be complicated.
It is a return with the metamorphosed-form of self, coupled with the soul that is acquainted with all the landmarks of your youth, your disappointment and accomplishments, fizzles and excitement, profound and mundane.

Sight of first love, the details of dozens of classrooms spanning primary, secondary schools; not only where the nearest LAMSHENG (南胜) convenience store is but what its hours are and what the quickest route to get to school.

It is far more common to find people afraid to go somewhere new they are unfamiliar with, but I have always believed the greatest fear should come of returning to a place you have forever memorised, only to find that the you that memorized it have changed irrevocably while the place itself remains exactly the same.

If returning alone is complicated for lack of a better word, then returning with that special someone is complicated because it is the best word.

Stop caring

Apart from teaching, marking and my research works, my thoughts revolved around only one thing. You. You went around in redundant circles, spinning my heart into an agonized frenzy. I did forcing myself to do anything to keep me occupied, just to keep my sanity.

I feel like running for my life, running away from all the harrowing torturous thoughts and into the arms of someone, anyone, who actually cares and willing to catch me before this falling through a bottomless crevice drives me insane.

I feel like stay in bed all day, chasing after sleep. Whenever my mind is not occupied with works, it hurts, too much to be awake. The only way to narrow down our proximity: nothing but to have you appeared in my dream. When I am dreaming I have you, and I cannot bear to be wrenched from the safety of your embrace every time my eyelids flutter open.

At this point of time, I hope I am really into the position of cessation in caring on you. Time trickles by much too slow. I want to blink all the suffering away. I do not want to love or hate, I want to feel indifference. That is when all ties will truly be severed. That is when I really would have pushed you out of my heart and thought, when it is really over, when you are really dead to me.

Foolish game

It was a foolish game that I have played. I would love to say it was one of those “love at first sight” things, but as palpable as the instantaneous attraction was, the most overwhelming feeling was annoyance. Call it an unparalleled annoyance.

I like my own saying: be grateful for having been granted the joy of fun and affection at one point of time in which it just not meant to last, and then move on. But for this case, I was not granted for anything, merely unrequited love.

The only things from you are, perhaps just some intent stares, which were observed when I casually turned my head. I have always considered myself a bit of a clairvoyant, but it does not take a psychic to acknowledge that the sudden rush of heat I felt is that which can only be brought on by you.

Having no guts in approaching you, I chalked it up to paranoia and moved closer to you. It was maddening, really. You did not even seem interested, slightly puzzled maybe.

I felt like a fundamental part of me was missing for the longest time, it constantly seemed as if I was reaching for something, only to have it slip through my fingers in the last second. I was never one to dwell on the past, but despite how things ended, my previous relationship meant too much for me to pretend to be cavalier about it and brush it off as if it were nothing.

Now, I think it is the end,and it would remain as a sweet nostalgia to have recalled how you grind while you were asleep.

To my beloved bro. :

Having little information on what has happened lately, I am not in position to judge your decision either right or wrong. However, I am here to share with you what is in my thought, what I actually discern in your recent affair.

You might have to accept the truth that you are wandering around in a blissful haze, totally besotted. Love sneaks up and whacks you upside the head. When the relationship is new and shiny, like everyone does, the beloved would be perceived to be surrounded by otherworldly aura, devoid of imperfections. Forsaking a dull and old lover, you just cannot get enough of this dazzling newness. Same process goes on, once the affair is no longer fresh and dewy, there exists the distinct possibility for disillusionment. You will start to wonder how you didn’t notice certain things, this is where horrible truths come out and sense of remorse permeates in.

A relationship is not just about the fresh and dewy, but it is an alternating emotion of love and enmity. You might have lost the intimacy within a loving relationship, but there always exists the passion and some commitments from and for each other. Do not let the dull and something new overwhelmed these. You should cynical about affairs in your heart.

You might have claimed that you have no control over your feelings, as much as you phrase this as an excuse to indulge yourself in a love affair, as far as you let yourself expose to the possibility of emotionally devastating disaster. People do not just fall in love with no will or intention or choice in the matter. People certainly fall into feelings of affection for others and may find themselves inextricably and powerfully drawn to other human beings, but that is not the equivalent of loving them. To love someone you must act. And when we say act, it definitely should be the proper acts, not self-indulgently flooding your wall, telling the whole world with those frivolous remarks, trifle you with undue levity posts.

1. Give up the old just because of the new, it is a no no.

2. Give up the old and there comes a new, probably yes.

3. Forsake the new and stick back to the old, you should see how far you can carry on with the old.

4. Forsake both and let go.

Option 1 and 2: Adopt an easy come-and-go way when dealing with the new one, at least for the initial stage.

Option 3 and 4: Be grateful for having been granted the joy of fun and affection at one point of time in which it just not meant to last, even just a short period and move on.

After all, you are the centre of everything. Make sure you do not get hurt at the end of the day while minimising the pain you might leave people behind.


Sincerely.

Friends and Acquaintances in Sydney

After two hours of lethargic standing in tutoring MMAN2100, I spent a little time adrift hanging around the campus I just spend four years on. As I struggled to come to the terms with the fact that many of my friends were moving on to begin the next phase of their lives, as I wandered how I was going to continue meeting up new acquaintances and as I thought of whether or not a year later I would be on my way to my desired career path or stuck in the same limbo.

Up to the fall of 2010, the trajectory of my attempt to study abroad would forever hold a special place in my memory upon I stumbled into Lethe. I would just say life imposes itself on you in that kind of a way. Thinking back, I actually suffered from the naive illusion that I deserved some helps, and then came with the big disappointment and heartache that were implied in my succinct summation: “ Maybe, I am just not good enough” back in 2005. It was those days when one reason that has most controlled the fates of individuals throughout history but was supposed to have been rendered irrelevant in the modern day: money, and the lack thereof.

To cumulate the acquaintances and friends I have met in OZ land: Juwin Ng, then very first housemates in Forsyth St. , Karl Leung, Patrick Mak, Zhiqi Wang, housemates in Barker St. , Qim Lee, bunch of college-mates in Warrane, Foo Hew, Sahn Lee, Cheng Wong, Justin Saw, Vixon Han and most recently, Macho Ma and Phoebe Chan. Alongside with my old friends: Aifen Chai, Kokyew Lee, SKC mates, to name just a few.


Dinner at my place, Macho&Phoebe

to be continued...