My Ph.D.

This autumn heralds the graduation ceremony that I have once gone through in 2008. Looking back, it was all worth it. I was a fresh graduate back in 2008 to then a postgraduate and now a post-doc.

13 March 2012, the day has finally arrived. It appeared in my dreams many times, everything happened on that day seemed so familiar. The ceremony was such a sensational occasion - the culmination of years of hard work; the actualization of goals attained and the acknowledgement of successes achieved. I was so glad that this time, I have my parent here together with me to commemorate this moment- a moment when the trajectory of my hunger for highest academic qualification reached its destination. It has been a journey that started with tentative steps perhaps, but one that has taken me to remarkable heights. I have encountered heaps of trials and tribulations along the way...soldiered on and came out the stronger for them. I have experienced exceptional moments, magical moments and created memories that will be fondly remembered in the years ahead. Most significantly, I have a change in salutation in which I am in desperate need and I hope I will be greatly benefited in some other ways.

What an exhilarating ceremony it was, signaled the end of the limbo in exchange with the ostensible effort which is now amounted to a dissertation. My doctoral thesis write up that took up one whole year has been in many ways appears to be a solitary, isolating process. It is my formulaic piece, begins with a review of extant literature covering the general and specific fields of investigation, and the statement of a problem, followed by an exposition of the methodology used to investigate said problem, and the findings subsequently revealed. After some considerable analysis, there is a discussion of how the findings inform some resolution of the problem, and the implications thereof. Finally, there is the author’s reflection on the conclusions, some enumeration of the limitations of the study, suggested guidance for transforming discovered theory into practical application, and a statement of what further research may be inspired by the findings and conclusions of this research. It was indeed a marathon and I was living in savagery and brutality till late 2011.

As I look back over the last few years, certainly there was a beginning, and thankfully there was also progress and yes, undeniably I succeed it. I have enormous gratitude towards D who walked along with me through my moody adolescence. Of all those others in my personal life whose encouragement has been so vital, D’s has been heartfelt, consistent and deeply appreciated. D has been motivating forces that I could not have been without to reach this milestone. My thesis is certainly to be dedicated to D who never stops believing in me.

My parent who visited me here in 2008 and now 2012, both witnessed the beautiful moment. I can never thank them enough, particularly my mom who has phenomenal kindness, and given me a support, that I can only hope to repay in every single day from now. Thanks to my dad who raised me and showered me with Lego bricks, which inculcated me with a love of mechanics. To my mom and dad, I have certainly proved myself to be someone you can proud of, despite the disappointment I bring to the family in other sense. Thanks to my brothers who have offered unstinting belief.

Family 2008

Family 2012

Year 2011

A deep and sincere apology to my blog for not updating it for ages. My prevailing thought being, technical writing has used up all my brain juice and superseded this soliloquy in the name of luvprada that I cherish so much. It was till I read through other blogs about resolutions made for year 2012 and summaries of 2011. I am somehow driven to verbalize my own. Once again here, I would like to exhaust my exhibitionist tendencies to share my deep thoughts without fear of those who need not know finding out information never meant for them. Another say, I am just here to share my meanderings with friends on what are the significant things for me that happened in 2011.

Overall, 2011 was a great year for me. It was the year that brought me one of the ultimate sense of accomplishment and great achievement. I received my PhD and proudly address myself now and then with the prestigious title - Dr.

To recapitulate 2011:

Early January, I moved in to my own apartment after 4 years of residential college life and renting. I cooked, planted, and even walked naked sometimes in the living room. I have so much freedom and I design my life the way I want it to be. My Pooh bears get to have their own spaces, spacious and well protected.

With half a year gone, by the time the end of financial year rolled around, I bade farewell to the age of bus and train. It was the cessation of painful waiting and long rumbling moment to the university.

August, the meaningful one. The trajectory of my attempt to acquire the highest degree has reached its destination having gone through series of disappointment, failure, uncertainties to then solved problem, tackled obstacles. In my succinct summation: “If I were to do it again, I really doubt if I can finish it.”

Also, it was the month I got a full-time job and with less routine work but relatively lucrative pay, where I started to have the luxury to design my own life. It seemed that I encompassed both fame and money. The circulation and intersection between these two are often of cyclical nature with iterative or recursive characteristics, but now I am at where these two coincide.

September, I ran away from University and spent a week in New Zealand, as a retreat for the hard work and time I devoted to my dissertation in the past 3.5 years. There, in Auckland, I met my old old friend and had some great time.

October, I won myself $500 for the photo shooting contest using a picture I took in Rotorua, New Zealand. Life can be full of surprise sometimes.

November, I spent my birthday alone stranded in Melbourne presenting a conference paper, without any cake. For friends who left me a birthday wish, I respond here with a sincere thank you. For A.L. who sent me the email wishes and confessions, I am here to express my gratitude towards your sincere remarks.

December was the month I slowed down my pace heaps. I found myself caught up in self-reflection. I realize I need a strong track record to equip myself ready to the next phase of life. A professorship in 10 years time? I doubt if I am after that, but certainly why not if I can make it. I will continue living, pursue my professional and social goals and would not leave much space for boredom in my life. Resolutions made for 2012? I do not think I have anything specific, but rather I will work according to my plan and schedule in a long run.

I look forward my trip back to home country next week for the Chinese New Year celebration. This time however, "If returning alone is complicated for lack of a better word, then returning with that special someone is complicated because it is the best word."

Transition


Lately, my life has been in an intense and powerful transitionary space. It has been all encompassing and nothing feels solid, mainly to do with the recent fixed term full time job that I feel like settling down for an easy money with relatively less struggling efforts.

Thing just does not go my way and it is all just so fluid and flowing there is nothing to grasp onto. I feel as if someone can actually pick up all the pieces of my life and tossed them into the air and I am waiting, spellbound to see where each piece falls. I would really like to feel the free fall. I guess I like the free but I certainly fear the fall.

各安天涯

尘世间总会有太多的情愫纠缠不清。

有些时候，以为自己早已将悲伤的情感弃置，抛却无剩，可当回忆中的画面和脑海的运转相一致时，总会牵奏出淡淡思念，不愿去深思，可又无法将其摆脱。

在梦的彼岸，我只能用一滴泪的温度去感知你我那遥不可及的距离。

看着你向往的幸福定义，不断地闪现又不断地暗淡，叹一声珍重，我将用微笑来拭去遗留在心底的温存，各安天涯。

Lost in winter

I have been fighting against chemical maelstroms in this unseasonable weather. Getting up early, catching up bus/train to university is getting so routine that I find my footsteps sometimes being electromagnetically sucked in backwards. I hardly speak in the whole day except to conduct class, I feel as the huge vacuums are swallowing my words. 1 hour return trip often catch me slicing on my phone screen and lost in the mournful croon of JJ’s song, 一眼万年. The fingerprints I left on the screen even seem to have diffused in blank air. There is a widening nothingness imposing its shadow on me. I feel my existence is impaired.

写给一个永远不会再见到的堂妹

我这堂妹已于昨夜离开了世上，我想用文字，做个无声的方式，来道出对她的思念。

年龄悬殊，加上分隔两地，我和这个堂妹并没有太多的童年记忆。记忆中的她还是个小女孩。


记得十多年前的某一天，还在就读小学的她回到老家，不时眯着眼睛看东西，当时我妈妈还问她是不是没戴眼镜回来。经此一问，才知道原来并没有人知道她其实近视了，难以想像她当时上课的情况是怎样的。这是我对这位堂妹唯一的印象。

之后，好像就没机会再见到她了。分别在2000和2005年去过她家两次，都没机会见到她。

只能说人生苦短，十九岁的她就离开了。感谢面书让我在几个月前有机会跟她做最后的交际，了解她的近况。

人生最有价值的莫过于亲情，给赋予生命，或跟自己生命有关的个体对我来说是重要的。
　　
这是一封用心而发的信，希望在远方的她可以收到这一份堂哥的悼念！

我最亲爱的


The return trip from Malaysia was a long abdominal rumbling moment accompanied by the heightening emotion. Upon returned from Malaysia and grounded in the land where it is too much for my own good, despite having fitful sleep ever since and woke often with a head full of things to do, it is exhilaration rather than exhaustion.

It has never occurred to you to bother, though I have discussed at length how my words are my art, that writing is my saving grace, that with my words I attempt to communicate. It has never occurred to you that what I say might matter enough to you to pursue. Simply there is too much distraction out there, too much unwillingness to pay commitment into a relationship with emotional attachment. The sheer fact that I write this post is a self reflection upon myself that I ought to have done perhaps some while ago.

An analogy that reflects this matter would be: I miss those old days, the craving for Malaysia foods. My home country is now nothing except my family who occupies much of my thoughts, perhaps, my old friends as well. I used to miss the foods back in Malaysia heaps. It is dreadful to find out that what I actually miss is not what I missed anymore. The greatest fear comes from returning to a place I have forever memorised, only to find that in different phase of my life, it seems like it has changed irrevocably but the place itself remains the same.

Transition, change of routines and personal upheaval are making my mind race and thrust towards the final dissertation for the journey i have engulfed upon in ages.

一首写实的新歌


很想知道你近況　
我聽人説還不如你對我講　
經過那段遺憾　
請你放心　我變得更加堅強　
世界不管怎樣荒涼　
愛過你就不怕孤單　

我最親愛的　你過的怎麼樣　
沒我的日子　你別來無恙　
依然親愛的　我沒讓你失望　
讓我親一親　像過去一樣　

我想你一定喜歡　
現在的我學會了你最愛的開朗　
想起你的模樣　
有什麼錯　
還不能夠被原諒　
世界不管怎樣荒涼　
愛過你就不怕孤單　

雖然離開了你的時間　
比一起還漫長　
我們總能補償　
因為中間空白的時光　
如果還能分享　
也是一種浪漫　
關係雖然不再一樣　
關心卻怎麼能說斷就斷　

我和外公的点滴

回國這段期間，我盡了一點綿力。至今，外公的音容仍舊徘徊在腦海裡，和外公共處的那些瑣碎片段一遍又一遍在記憶中逗留。

從獲悉外公再次入院且生命岌岌可危到回國並沒有多餘的猶豫。這一次回國，做好了最壞打算，想在外公彌留之際能夠跟他做最後告別，不讓自己留下遺憾。聽起來，好像是讓自己好過的舉動，但其實最重要的是我很心痛看見日夜為外公奔波勞碌的媽媽，我不忍心看見媽媽在心靈，身軀上飽受疲憊，我想說我的出現能代替媽媽照顧外公。另外，外公確實是我小時候頻有交際的長輩，想說這一次回國能夠撿回童年的記憶。

回國第四天，我在醫院度過了漫長的夜。這一夜，我獨守外公病床邊，誠心誠意地想照顧好外公，減輕他的痛楚。每每看見外公那副病容，我鼻子總會发酸，眼里淌下泪来，心里沉甸甸的。漫長的夜裡，我有著很多思緒。看見周圍的病人，覺得生命的終結難逃一把死灰。生命實在沒什麼可炫耀的。我替我自己感到驕傲，原來我能盡這一點綿力。

相較于媽媽，媽媽是天使化身，在照顧親爸爸的課題上，她沒有絲毫怨言。在媽媽眼裡，一切責任來的理所當然。我對於這一次回國的解讀是，外公這一生最大的成就莫過于教出了有情有義的女兒。縱使媽媽沒辦法在金錢上幫助外公，給予更好的醫療設施，可是她是那麼不辭勞苦地在體力精神上的付出。報答父母固然是天經地義的事，但是能來的像媽媽那樣的真是罕見。

外公，我想說我媽媽-你的女兒是你人生中一大財富。自己的孩子再會賺錢，再出人頭地又怎樣？若不會有絲毫照顧不周而有愧疚之心，也真的不過如此。

身為外孫的我，只能感慨說，隨著時代的演變，很多兒女都往外發展，遺棄了父母，隨後在外頭建立自己的家庭。自己的孩子也不怎麼跟自己父母聯繫，孫爺關係似乎從未建立過，老一輩的生病了，走不動了，孫子未曾過問，這一切來的理所當然。我很欣慰我是農村長大的，農村的小孩往往跟長輩緊緊相依，農村小孩的生命里，在親情的泉源流著，永不止息，人性那一塊伴隨著人生的腳步。

自己小孩念書忙走不開，或是跟本沒有一回事，種種理直氣壯的理由，皆可當做忽略自己父母的藉口。自己給予生命的個體固然重要，給予自己生命的父母卻可以推辭不顧。

是可笑，是可恥。

　

垂暮


Today feels hard. Though summer is over, I am plagued with thoughts of one thing - a little Vietnam trip without me but with another him.

All these while, I perceived it as a privilege granted from you, having gone through different places with you throughout these years. Later, I even included you in my family trip. I realise now someone has taken that place.

I do feel a sneaking sense of dread. I come to the point to admit that, it used to be my privilege, I was so overwhelmed and now I should be happy you have found someone who could do a better job than me.

There is so much to think about, so much to be concerned about. I need to reconvene here, get perspective, and simplify. A simple truth is, having learnt that you are willing to do so simply mean too much. We are now separated by a decay wall in the name of Pipu and it is covered by greyish veil of lies.

I stick to my powerful tenet of belief, that all acts of love and pleasure towards you serve a higher purpose. But, running a life that equipped with the essence of your betrayal in the southern hemisphere, I have been a freak.

I should be grateful for having been granted the joy of fun and affection from you at some parts of my life but just not meant to last.

Message to the wall,

垂暮黄昏，冷眼旁观
我的昨天，你的明天

New layout

Tonight’s composition was accompanied by a 46” LCD TV, sitting at a distance far from the screen with a mixed feeling. I actually miss my blog previous layout, viridian-green themed Sydney Opera House to now a crimson-red Golden Gate Bridge. I have been considering the possibility of changing theme for sometime, finally I did it now.

Such change put me into thought, when and how this blog was born? My first ever blog kicked off in Friendster, then Xanga and these are the two that propelled me into here in the name of Luvprada.

Blog moved, but I still hold to my belief that I am self-indulgent to think everyone else in the worlds cares enough to read what I am writing here. I do not retract my original theory being a self-aggrandising act born of hubris because this is how my blog has evolved. My reframing of my opinion is the consequence of my exploration of everything in life, particularly relationships with lovers, family, friends and even foes. Committing myself here for public consumption on an update-sometimes basis is a good practice to keep friends updated, share thoughts, voice out, tell things that I would not tell in person and for years to come, recollecting thoughts that were forgotten, recalling those compelling words that simply instantaneous, regaining those insightful perspective due to my location, experience that varies through time.

From “Life in Sydney” to “Heading to San Francisco”...

So what might you expect from this metamorphosed blog? I honestly do not know. For sure, there will be sad and sweet love stories as usual from the perspective of a sentimental human being, continuation of reflection on previous relationships, albeit there is uncertainty in where I am heading to next. San Francisco is merely a nice city that I been to, loved and would definitely love to settle down.

But for now, expect to read about the success in submitting a doctoral dissertation followed up by an awesome graduation.