十一月，我们再度相遇

在飞机上发呆了好一阵子，脑中浮起的皆是你的面容样子。 高空上，掺着淡淡的忧伤，弥漫在乘客沉睡的打呼声。寂寥的漫长旅程，被遗憾掏空的心绪，盘旋在这个小小空间里。手机播放着阿黛勒的伤感歌曲，周而复始不间断地在嘶哑。

 三天之旅确实短暂，但也非常充分，一切的一切仿佛如昨，清晰般的在我心底一帧一帧的放映。想了好几天，打底我是被你的什么深深吸引，肉体，样子，还是你的个性？

我喜欢你的年轻热血，和你做伴给我的是当年不曾拥有的两小无猜情愫，也是我向往如「孽子」，「十七岁的天空」里的纯爱。在你身上我可以找到那个感觉，和你做伴旅行我尝到那一份青涩。

从见面，过夜，登机，旅行到回国的78小时，我们几乎没离开过，记忆也贪婪地收藏你的一举一动。某夜我跟你分享了我不为人知的一些秘密，想要你对我更深一层的了解，你也告知了一些你的过去感情。有想过若我在早前认识你，估计随手可得，可是我喜欢的是现在略带理性的你。

走在你旁边，我尝试到了从未有的失焦，一度让我茫然，有种黄叶飘落的感觉。而我其实也不在乎，只是紧紧跟随，紧捉住偶然的身体碰触机会。跟你走在路上有种狐假虎威的感觉，类似当年和查斯明的影子。看是飘落，不是飘落，是一段又一段走近又走远的流年，是一场又一场心悸而又身不由己的邂逅。

好几夜的共眠，我并没捕捉到你的呼吸，也没感受到你的体温。我们中间仿佛隔了一片大海，两人睡在大床有着一些距离，中间的空隙感觉是那么遥远，几度从梦中醒来，感觉却是醒在梦中。难得的同床却也是难免的异梦。

我努力地把现在的感觉陈述出来，我不想重滔复则地把你完美化，毕竟曾经有过一个让我悲痛三个月的曹慧，而对你是仅次于当年对曹慧的眷恋。 我明白两者都已成过往，曾有的一切如云烟飘散不会重现。但我就是这样，生活可以单调，情感方面总是追求刺激，纵使跌得再痛，我还是放纵自己去陶醉地享受跌之前的刺激感。

迈进悉尼，划落一声萧索的叹息，回到现实，一切好像发了一场梦，愿这场梦淹没在苍凉的高空里，从此，各自天涯，安好…

Returning trip to Sekinchan

Growing up in a small town to where I am now residing in a vibrant city, I have been given the opportunity to enjoy and reflect on a different type of life. Saying there is a difference between living with a few thousand people and a few million is nothing short of a huge understatement. And I really feel this when coming back to my home town again.

Over the past few days, I traveled back to where I grew up and met up with friend long past. Needless to say, the time was well spent and helped bring me back to what really matters in life: those personal connections to friends, family, and places you grow up and live in.

One key thing I noticed was the sense of tranquillity I felt when I returned home. Even though the town has evolved (plenty new stores, a few old ones gone), it was largely the same. This commitment to tradition and local longevity is incredibly satisfying. True, if I had lived here the entire time, it may be not liveable at this point, but for a weary traveller coming back home after an extended period of time, the feeling of tradition and nostalgia was very welcomed.

Among other things, this helped promote a sense of durability and stability among what I know is true and right. It helps reinforce the way one looks at the world, assuring them that although the world is always changing, there are constants throughout it, providing us anchors for mental balance and strength. It provides a sense of sustainability, not unlike recycling.

The relationship with the town, though, is just one side of the coin. The people are what really matter – they are the ones who provide us with the connotation for the very life we lived. Among the most nostalgic feelings are those I get when visiting old friends. Memories begin to flash back, good times passed are chatted about, and those embarrassing incidents can now be laughed at – thankfully. More importantly, though, meeting up with old friend gives me the opportunity to sit and reflect on the person we have become. Sometimes, one won’t change at all – they will look the same and have the same sense of humour. Other times, though, you won’t even recognize the kid you lived down the street from and played with for many years.

These new experiences with old friends help define the people we are today. It puts our evolving personality into perspective and old friends are never hesitant to point out how you’ve grown and matured.

Today is my 4th day returning to my hometown, spent the day writing this post as well as working on the ECR grant application for 2013.

My PhD

This autumn heralds the graduation ceremony that I have once gone through in 2008. Looking back, it was all worth it. I was a fresh graduate back in 2008 to then a postgraduate and now a post-doc.

13 March 2012, the day has finally arrived. It appeared in my dreams many times, everything happened on that day seemed so familiar. The ceremony was such a sensational occasion - the culmination of years of hard work; the actualization of goals attained and the acknowledgement of successes achieved. I was so glad that this time, I have my parent here together with me to commemorate this moment- a moment when the trajectory of my hunger for highest academic qualification reached its destination. It has been a journey that started with tentative steps perhaps, but one that has taken me to remarkable heights. I have encountered heaps of trials and tribulations along the way...soldiered on and came out the stronger for them. I have experienced exceptional moments, magical moments and created memories that will be fondly remembered in the years ahead. Most significantly, I have a change in salutation in which I am in desperate need and I hope I will be greatly benefited in some other ways.

What an exhilarating ceremony it was, signaled the end of the limbo in exchange with the ostensible effort which is now amounted to a dissertation. My doctoral thesis write up that took up one whole year has been in many ways appears to be a solitary, isolating process. It is my formulaic piece, begins with a review of extant literature covering the general and specific fields of investigation, and the statement of a problem, followed by an exposition of the methodology used to investigate said problem, and the findings subsequently revealed. After some considerable analysis, there is a discussion of how the findings inform some resolution of the problem, and the implications thereof. Finally, there is the author’s reflection on the conclusions, some enumeration of the limitations of the study, suggested guidance for transforming discovered theory into practical application, and a statement of what further research may be inspired by the findings and conclusions of this research. It was indeed a marathon and I was living in savagery and brutality till late 2011.

As I look back over the last few years, certainly there was a beginning, and thankfully there was also progress and yes, undeniably I succeed it. I have enormous gratitude towards D who walked along with me through my moody adolescence. Of all those others in my personal life whose encouragement has been so vital, D’s has been heartfelt, consistent and deeply appreciated. D has been motivating forces that I could not have been without to reach this milestone. My thesis is certainly to be dedicated to D who never stops believing in me.

My parent who visited me here in 2008 and now 2012, both witnessed the beautiful moment. I can never thank them enough, particularly my mom who has phenomenal kindness, and given me a support, that I can only hope to repay in every single day from now. Thanks to my dad who raised me and showered me with Lego bricks, which inculcated me with a love of mechanics. To my mom and dad, I have certainly proved myself to be someone you can proud of, despite the disappointment I bring to the family in other sense. Thanks to my brothers who have offered unstinting belief.

Family 2008

Family 2012

Year 2011

A deep and sincere apology to my blog for not updating it for ages. My prevailing thought being, technical writing has used up all my brain juice and superseded this soliloquy in the name of luvprada that I cherish so much. It was till I read through other blogs about resolutions made for year 2012 and summaries of 2011. I am somehow driven to verbalize my own. Once again here, I would like to exhaust my exhibitionist tendencies to share my deep thoughts without fear of those who need not know finding out information never meant for them. Another say, I am just here to share my meanderings with friends on what are the significant things for me that happened in 2011.

Overall, 2011 was a great year for me. It was the year that brought me one of the ultimate sense of accomplishment and great achievement. I received my PhD and proudly address myself now and then with the prestigious title - Dr.

To recapitulate 2011:

Early January, I moved in to my own apartment after 4 years of residential college life and renting. I cooked, planted, and even walked naked sometimes in the living room. I have so much freedom and I design my life the way I want it to be. My Pooh bears get to have their own spaces, spacious and well protected.

With half a year gone, by the time the end of financial year rolled around, I bade farewell to the age of bus and train. It was the cessation of painful waiting and long rumbling moment to the university.

August, the meaningful one. The trajectory of my attempt to acquire the highest degree has reached its destination having gone through series of disappointment, failure, uncertainties to then solved problem, tackled obstacles. In my succinct summation: “If I were to do it again, I really doubt if I can finish it.”

Also, it was the month I got a full-time job and with less routine work but relatively lucrative pay, where I started to have the luxury to design my own life. It seemed that I encompassed both fame and money. The circulation and intersection between these two are often of cyclical nature with iterative or recursive characteristics, but now I am at where these two coincide.

September, I ran away from University and spent a week in New Zealand, as a retreat for the hard work and time I devoted to my dissertation in the past 3.5 years. There, in Auckland, I met my old old friend and had some great time.

October, I won myself $500 for the photo shooting contest using a picture I took in Rotorua, New Zealand. Life can be full of surprise sometimes.

November, I spent my birthday alone stranded in Melbourne presenting a conference paper, without any cake. For friends who left me a birthday wish, I respond here with a sincere thank you. For A.L. who sent me the email wishes and confessions, I am here to express my gratitude towards your sincere remarks.

December was the month I slowed down my pace heaps. I found myself caught up in self-reflection. I realize I need a strong track record to equip myself ready to the next phase of life. A professorship in 10 years time? I doubt if I am after that, but certainly why not if I can make it. I will continue living, pursue my professional and social goals and would not leave much space for boredom in my life. Resolutions made for 2012? I do not think I have anything specific, but rather I will work according to my plan and schedule in a long run.

I look forward my trip back to home country next week for the Chinese New Year celebration. This time however, "If returning alone is complicated for lack of a better word, then returning with that special someone is complicated because it is the best word."

Transition


Lately, my life has been in an intense and powerful transitionary space. It has been all encompassing and nothing feels solid, mainly to do with the recent fixed term full time job that I feel like settling down for an easy money with relatively less struggling efforts.

Thing just does not go my way and it is all just so fluid and flowing there is nothing to grasp onto. I feel as if someone can actually pick up all the pieces of my life and tossed them into the air and I am waiting, spellbound to see where each piece falls. I would really like to feel the free fall. I guess I like the free but I certainly fear the fall.

各安天涯

尘世间总会有太多的情愫纠缠不清。

有些时候，以为自己早已将悲伤的情感弃置，抛却无剩，可当回忆中的画面和脑海的运转相一致时，总会牵奏出淡淡思念，不愿去深思，可又无法将其摆脱。

在梦的彼岸，我只能用一滴泪的温度去感知你我那遥不可及的距离。

看着你向往的幸福定义，不断地闪现又不断地暗淡，叹一声珍重，我将用微笑来拭去遗留在心底的温存，各安天涯。

Lost in winter

I have been fighting against chemical maelstroms in this unseasonable weather. Getting up early, catching up bus/train to university is getting so routine that I find my footsteps sometimes being electromagnetically sucked in backwards. I hardly speak in the whole day except to conduct class, I feel as the huge vacuums are swallowing my words. 1 hour return trip often catch me slicing on my phone screen and lost in the mournful croon of JJ’s song, 一眼万年. The fingerprints I left on the screen even seem to have diffused in blank air. There is a widening nothingness imposing its shadow on me. I feel my existence is impaired.

写给一个永远不会再见到的堂妹

我这堂妹已于昨夜离开了世上，我想用文字，做个无声的方式，来道出对她的思念。

年龄悬殊，加上分隔两地，我和这个堂妹并没有太多的童年记忆。记忆中的她还是个小女孩。


记得十多年前的某一天，还在就读小学的她回到老家，不时眯着眼睛看东西，当时我妈妈还问她是不是没戴眼镜回来。经此一问，才知道原来并没有人知道她其实近视了，难以想像她当时上课的情况是怎样的。这是我对这位堂妹唯一的印象。

之后，好像就没机会再见到她了。分别在2000和2005年去过她家两次，都没机会见到她。

只能说人生苦短，十九岁的她就离开了。感谢面书让我在几个月前有机会跟她做最后的交际，了解她的近况。

人生最有价值的莫过于亲情，给赋予生命，或跟自己生命有关的个体对我来说是重要的。
　　
这是一封用心而发的信，希望在远方的她可以收到这一份堂哥的悼念！

我最亲爱的


The return trip from Malaysia was a long abdominal rumbling moment accompanied by the heightening emotion. Upon returned from Malaysia and grounded in the land where it is too much for my own good, despite having fitful sleep ever since and woke often with a head full of things to do, it is exhilaration rather than exhaustion.

It has never occurred to you to bother, though I have discussed at length how my words are my art, that writing is my saving grace, that with my words I attempt to communicate. It has never occurred to you that what I say might matter enough to you to pursue. Simply there is too much distraction out there, too much unwillingness to pay commitment into a relationship with emotional attachment. The sheer fact that I write this post is a self reflection upon myself that I ought to have done perhaps some while ago.

An analogy that reflects this matter would be: I miss those old days, the craving for Malaysia foods. My home country is now nothing except my family who occupies much of my thoughts, perhaps, my old friends as well. I used to miss the foods back in Malaysia heaps. It is dreadful to find out that what I actually miss is not what I missed anymore. The greatest fear comes from returning to a place I have forever memorised, only to find that in different phase of my life, it seems like it has changed irrevocably but the place itself remains the same.

Transition, change of routines and personal upheaval are making my mind race and thrust towards the final dissertation for the journey i have engulfed upon in ages.

一首写实的新歌


很想知道你近況　
我聽人説還不如你對我講　
經過那段遺憾　
請你放心　我變得更加堅強　
世界不管怎樣荒涼　
愛過你就不怕孤單　

我最親愛的　你過的怎麼樣　
沒我的日子　你別來無恙　
依然親愛的　我沒讓你失望　
讓我親一親　像過去一樣　

我想你一定喜歡　
現在的我學會了你最愛的開朗　
想起你的模樣　
有什麼錯　
還不能夠被原諒　
世界不管怎樣荒涼　
愛過你就不怕孤單　

雖然離開了你的時間　
比一起還漫長　
我們總能補償　
因為中間空白的時光　
如果還能分享　
也是一種浪漫　
關係雖然不再一樣　
關心卻怎麼能說斷就斷　

我和外公的点滴

回國這段期間，我盡了一點綿力。至今，外公的音容仍舊徘徊在腦海裡，和外公共處的那些瑣碎片段一遍又一遍在記憶中逗留。

從獲悉外公再次入院且生命岌岌可危到回國並沒有多餘的猶豫。這一次回國，做好了最壞打算，想在外公彌留之際能夠跟他做最後告別，不讓自己留下遺憾。聽起來，好像是讓自己好過的舉動，但其實最重要的是我很心痛看見日夜為外公奔波勞碌的媽媽，我不忍心看見媽媽在心靈，身軀上飽受疲憊，我想說我的出現能代替媽媽照顧外公。另外，外公確實是我小時候頻有交際的長輩，想說這一次回國能夠撿回童年的記憶。

回國第四天，我在醫院度過了漫長的夜。這一夜，我獨守外公病床邊，誠心誠意地想照顧好外公，減輕他的痛楚。每每看見外公那副病容，我鼻子總會发酸，眼里淌下泪来，心里沉甸甸的。漫長的夜裡，我有著很多思緒。看見周圍的病人，覺得生命的終結難逃一把死灰。生命實在沒什麼可炫耀的。我替我自己感到驕傲，原來我能盡這一點綿力。

相較于媽媽，媽媽是天使化身，在照顧親爸爸的課題上，她沒有絲毫怨言。在媽媽眼裡，一切責任來的理所當然。我對於這一次回國的解讀是，外公這一生最大的成就莫過于教出了有情有義的女兒。縱使媽媽沒辦法在金錢上幫助外公，給予更好的醫療設施，可是她是那麼不辭勞苦地在體力精神上的付出。報答父母固然是天經地義的事，但是能來的像媽媽那樣的真是罕見。

外公，我想說我媽媽-你的女兒是你人生中一大財富。自己的孩子再會賺錢，再出人頭地又怎樣？若不會有絲毫照顧不周而有愧疚之心，也真的不過如此。

身為外孫的我，只能感慨說，隨著時代的演變，很多兒女都往外發展，遺棄了父母，隨後在外頭建立自己的家庭。自己的孩子也不怎麼跟自己父母聯繫，孫爺關係似乎從未建立過，老一輩的生病了，走不動了，孫子未曾過問，這一切來的理所當然。我很欣慰我是農村長大的，農村的小孩往往跟長輩緊緊相依，農村小孩的生命里，在親情的泉源流著，永不止息，人性那一塊伴隨著人生的腳步。

自己小孩念書忙走不開，或是跟本沒有一回事，種種理直氣壯的理由，皆可當做忽略自己父母的藉口。自己給予生命的個體固然重要，給予自己生命的父母卻可以推辭不顧。

是可笑，是可恥。

　

垂暮


Today feels hard. Though summer is over, I am plagued with thoughts of one thing - a little Vietnam trip without me but with another him.

All these while, I perceived it as a privilege granted from you, having gone through different places with you throughout these years. Later, I even included you in my family trip. I realise now someone has taken that place.

I do feel a sneaking sense of dread. I come to the point to admit that, it used to be my privilege, I was so overwhelmed and now I should be happy you have found someone who could do a better job than me.

There is so much to think about, so much to be concerned about. I need to reconvene here, get perspective, and simplify. A simple truth is, having learnt that you are willing to do so simply mean too much. We are now separated by a decay wall in the name of Pipu and it is covered by greyish veil of lies.

I stick to my powerful tenet of belief, that all acts of love and pleasure towards you serve a higher purpose. But, running a life that equipped with the essence of your betrayal in the southern hemisphere, I have been a freak.

I should be grateful for having been granted the joy of fun and affection from you at some parts of my life but just not meant to last.

Message to the wall,

垂暮黄昏，冷眼旁观
我的昨天，你的明天

New layout

Tonight’s composition was accompanied by a 46” LCD TV, sitting at a distance far from the screen with a mixed feeling. I actually miss my blog previous layout, viridian-green themed Sydney Opera House to now a crimson-red Golden Gate Bridge. I have been considering the possibility of changing theme for sometime, finally I did it now.

Such change put me into thought, when and how this blog was born? My first ever blog kicked off in Friendster, then Xanga and these are the two that propelled me into here in the name of Luvprada.

Blog moved, but I still hold to my belief that I am self-indulgent to think everyone else in the worlds cares enough to read what I am writing here. I do not retract my original theory being a self-aggrandising act born of hubris because this is how my blog has evolved. My reframing of my opinion is the consequence of my exploration of everything in life, particularly relationships with lovers, family, friends and even foes. Committing myself here for public consumption on an update-sometimes basis is a good practice to keep friends updated, share thoughts, voice out, tell things that I would not tell in person and for years to come, recollecting thoughts that were forgotten, recalling those compelling words that simply instantaneous, regaining those insightful perspective due to my location, experience that varies through time.

From “Life in Sydney” to “Heading to San Francisco”...

So what might you expect from this metamorphosed blog? I honestly do not know. For sure, there will be sad and sweet love stories as usual from the perspective of a sentimental human being, continuation of reflection on previous relationships, albeit there is uncertainty in where I am heading to next. San Francisco is merely a nice city that I been to, loved and would definitely love to settle down.

But for now, expect to read about the success in submitting a doctoral dissertation followed up by an awesome graduation.

Mumble from CFD laboratory

My decision to stay in this university upon graduation to continue a research degree can be seen as some kind of inchoate expressions of a yearning for, to be someone, someone who is something-expertise.

I could never have guessed how much I would be motivated by a great dense to be an eccentric having went through my childhood in a woefully broken culture, then spent my teenage period stricken with the infirmities in a broken education system that I could not have begun to guess what grandeur my life might hold.

Till late 2007, I have been trying to develop my eccentricity and to avoid the entrapment of comfort zone. My path as an international scholar has taught me that sacred Malaysian Chinese can be as valuable as the sacred local despite being marginalised in the home country. I am profoundly grateful this is what I was made from, and where I came from, the place where I learned to live comfortable, unlearned the lies that misinformed me of my inadequacy, and I saw my image in the mirror with clarity.

Since 2006, I scaled ivory towers to pillage knowledge, on what I thought I have missed in the young age for personal evolution and gain. I have learned to dissent between me and my ex-classmates as well as uni mates, but I do mediate these, bridging the connection to prevent the schism that absence may create.

Then starting 2008, I involved myself in this Computational Fluid Dynamics laboratory. This laboratory has endowed me with great knowledge, equipped me with sceptical thinking throughout years of research experience. Today, not too far down the road, I will be able to refashion myself. In my lexicon, I am the senior batch among other researchers in the lab excluding those post doctoral fellows.

Mumble in the dark...

Lately, I started to develop hatred towards two of my supervisors who actually cheated on me. Also, for the first week, I started to feel that I could have achieved much more if it were without their self-centered supervisions which were concerned with their own interests. I am getting more and more pissed off having stranded in this laboratory that does not promise me anything more than a dissertation.

My main supervisor

These got me into deep thought, which path and what’s next that I should move on.

Despite all this, I am lucky to have this Malaysian co-supervisor who helped me and guided me a lot. I see my relationship with him as a symbiosis, based on the root of mutualism where we were originated from the same country. I am the one who brought him in indirectly to this academic field from the Australian Nuclear Science and Technology industry whereas he is one who constantly advise and lead me to the end of this research journey. To Assoc. Prof. G.H. Yeoh, thank you.

淡淡的忧伤

夏天的一阵风起，微凉却心寒。

路上行走，我看见自己的倒影，看似忧伤，无端触动心底那处柔弱。多愁善感，对感情细腻的男生来说，便是扯动了神经里最敏感的那根弦。

今夜里，我听不见那动人的曲子，尽管我神经的弦已响起，轻叹为何听见的是响亮没有线条的言语，我无言以对，因为我曾经奏出这般搓调。那一瞬间，我还是淡定的，淡定却只维持了几秒，随后淡淡的忧伤索绕心头，思绪是如此纠结。



回顾之前的宣言，得到舒适的温慰，愿这一刻的忧伤，只是心情的一次出走。

Over hardworking-spoil the market

I have been working pretty hard for this whole week due to my approaching thesis submission deadline. Albeit all these hard works, if I were to compare with this guy, he outweighs me. He is exceptionally hardworking, engages himself weekdays, weekends, day and night.

Qimyi : So what about this guy in your lab?

Me : Oh, I am fine with him. I merely comment that he is superb hardworking, you know, working 7days a week, from day to night.

Qimyi : It could be the efficiency issue, some people need more time to work on little things, or perhaps mind was wandering around and not really attended to the work.

Me : No, this guy is fully focused! No msn, no skype, no facebook, no sms.

Qimyi : Wah, like that I got nothing to say. I can only tell, this people spoil the market.



Yes, it is the term “Spoil the market” that I have been looking for.

Three years ago, the process in securing this research scholarship as a First Class honor student was considerably smooth and so I maintained my easy pace till now. Then just a year ago, this guy came in with his Second Class Bachelor award, desperately committed to his research, working a way too hard. Comparison wise, I look lazy.

To some extent, I am not willing to let down my ego. To me, I am not being paid to work this hard and if I have to, then I must be award with more funds. I know what I want to achieve, I just want to finish off with a dissertation, a title and I will kick myself out of here.

Unfortunately, the truth is, I do not have this bargaining power. It is either I do it, become a valuable asset to this laboratory, or I become a liability.

Employer wise, I will definitely hire this people. Employee being, it is definitely a pain in the ass working along with such people when you want to lead an easy life.

Word to myself, if I think that I am not being paid to work hard, then by all means, do as I wish. But remember if you don’t do it, someone else might take over.

生日点滴


Prior to my birthday eve, there were all moment of poignant, working on a paper that never seem to end, writing up chapters that have to stick with the proposed submission plan, etc. My birthday eve however, put on a thoroughly enjoyable show, and it lamented the end of these points, an age that seems impossibly old and far away.

I resonated the whole morning by drafting the paper that is to be submitted to a high impact factor journal publisher, hoping it will bring me the greatest sense of achievement. I could not get it done though, but I believe I will kill it by the end of this week for sure. I took a nap then.



It was 4pm by then before I headed to the city.

I have a great dinner, favourite crab. I caught a moment when I laugh out hysterically of a stupid Tan Ah Kao joke till I grab the attentions from everyone in the restaurant. At that point of time, I really miss my high note laughing tone friend Vixon as well as tornado-like laughing style- Hui Tao.



A session of karaoke followed up. It is absolutely unexpected for the turn up of Marimo and Piglet. Pooh family with the absence of Eeyore aka Vixon though. Your presence touched me and flooded me with much thought. I have seen friends come live in my territory, then leave no longer quite what I could call friends, to be replaced by other kind people with whom I share the intellectual tract. It seems like a continual coming and going of the occupants of this benevolent land that I am living on.



For my blog's birthday post, my dedication to you:

For one grand over of facebook friend who left me a birthday wish, I respond with a sincere thank you.
For friends who wished me in person, I am here to express my gratitude towards your thoughtful and warm wishes.
For those who happen to visit here, thank you for your support and time.

Dear readers, those who have regularly followed my meanderings and those who occasionally drop in and those who are totally new to my zealous opining, I hope you'll stick around, till after my next birthday post.

I am 26

Yep, I just turned 26. A year passed a quarter of a century. I defy the fact that I will march into 30s soon, though a quarter of my life has gone by indeed, holding on the theory that I may live to be a centenarian.

I miss writing for myself so much that it is my gift to myself today to make time to write just for me and put aside for university works, the research works, the rest of life that seems to always supersede this craft that I cherish so much.

I find myself all caught up in self-reflection.

I could never ever have guesses, how much I would enjoy my adulthood than I did my childhood. I was so doom and gloom as a youngster, stricken with the infirmities in a broken town in a woefully broken culture, that I could not have begun to guess what grandeur my life might hold. But, I am profoundly grateful this is what I was made from, and where I came from, the place where I learned to live comfortable, unlearned the lies that misinformed me of my inadequacy, and I saw my image in the mirror with clarity.

Now I look back my years in OZ land. At 23, I undertook my prestigious PhD, and now I sit amidst the last semester of my graduate program, I realise that it is not terribly surprising that I made it this far. I give great thanks to how much I have been enriched with university experiences, veer in between students and academics, a little maturity but not too much. I am having these spiritual moments that I could achieve much more with my current position, believing in myself that it is my ecstatic period of my life would be all uphill from this point. There are going to be holy existential pinnacles, over and over again, in the coming years.

Today I make a dedication to Lim. I spent long years in reflection with striving, uplifted human being to discover what hidden potential that we might unlock in each other. I gained much. I did authentically believe that it would be a successful partnership, we would learn to make it work through many years. I was fear to live without it once because it simply means too much but having you later evolved out of it, I was deeply saddened and scared at the prospect that it is just not going to be what I hope it to be. I learnt that life can be just as fulfilling and may bring me to unimagined shores being myself, I will be at peace with my singularity. I woke up from a dream today, a nightmare it used to be, but I have a deeply restful night of sleep.

I am entering this age with nostalgia and delight, some regrets but much gratitude, and full of zest for the years to come. Thank you, those of you who have shared this journey with me, those who chose me and those who got stuck with me through life’s random assignment or karma or whatever has brought us together. You make it worthwhile. Dong, Tan, and Chow, your existences have propelled me to places that I could not have dreamed possible. I am spellbound by the magic of your wishes and the ever-building crescendo of my blessed life.

Twenty-six today, and it is the prime of my life.

自愧不如

I used to feel invincible, but not for now, for all that human frailties that try to pertain, I just want to spit at my own face.

I am lost to the overwhelming emotion that bursts forth from my soul, playful being and lured into the extravagance of life. I am simply impotent when I was to compare to an omnipotent celestial being.

You, a first year au courant PhD research student, able to accomplish astonishing feats like, coaxing the unwilling to learn to coding, overcoming internalized oppression that was haunting me, achieved remarkably well at the end of your inaugural annual review, consistently staying up in the laboratory over weekend, while striving aggressively towards your dream and most importantly, rival my three years research outcome with your peculiar one year.

I am abashed and unwilling to acknowledge my loss, but I have to.
From now on, for every raw moment of my raucous life presence-

I will guzzle every second and gear it with my effort just like how the friction coupling done by cannon pinion.

I will ride the remaining research period bareback, not afraid of diseases, give it the final thrust and shoot, just like unprotected sex.

I will study like a scholar in an ivory tower which eventually grants me the highest degree.

I should be shameless in my insistence that:
I am fucking remarkable beyond belief!

Darkness in the Spring

Darkness touches all of our lives, and some of us embrace it more intimately than others.

I have long felt that I am one that has been called to work at night, at times, within the veils of life's dusk and murk. I am stuck in the Southern Hemisphere, the spring equinox has heralded the time putting an end to the chilly winter and obscurity. My body begins to sense the generation of heat that was once burrowed down under.

I am merely lost in the musings of what my repeated and unbidden sense of foreboding today might mean. I am actually a remarkably ecstatic human being, no longer prone to the loneliness I felt as one being initiated into a life of navigating the turbid, composting cycles.

Tonight, I got lost in 徐佳莹mournful croon, 绿洲. To not let the dark envelope me into gloom, I knew I needed a remedy. I took tonight off from all responsibilities, and I tended to myself.

I treated myself with a cup of chamomile tea, hoping it would relieve my sleeplessness and anxiety. I infused and drank hot, sipped deep. And I spent time at my own, writing this blog.

Special Gift

It was Friday morning, 8am. Another morning I found myself lethargic when those rays of light pour through my window as the sun creeps above the ridge line in the east.

It is spring now. The gloomy winter has gone together with the departure of Vixon.

This morning, however I woke up with an email alert telling me I just received a parcel. Yes, a mystery gift.

It is totally out of my expectation, till after I collected it, I was so overwhelmed with anticipation. The excitement when I was about to open it was enormous.

Guess what, a Pooh box and three pair of chopsticks, Pooh, Rat (my Chinese zodiac), and Lee (my surname).



Your gift did exchange with exhilarating smile of mine and joy in my eyes when I know I received it along with that a piece of your heart.

I am type of person who easily contented with small little thing, I hold on to my tradition and resist the global policy of mercantilism. Ctj2000 asked me once, between LV and pooh, which one you would choose and you would be more likely to enjoy it when it comes to gift. Definitely, absolutely the latter.

Thank heaps to Gil!

Vixon's departure

The moment I came back to my workplace from airport, I was actually exhausted and on the verge of tears.

We had great fun staying up the night before, another farewell party for him. We cooked, we played Assassination of Three Kingdoms, we laughed and we had fun.

Workload and the departure of him, the latter drove me nut.

While I was on my way home from Anzac Parade leading to Barker Street, I was struck with it again. I was struck by my sense of foreboding, it felt premature.

It was almost 7pm, not an uncommon hour for me to have taken dinner with him, back in last couple of years. Once more I felt a tinge of fear. It is heading into twilight and I was a lone human traversing university campus, only I felt I wasn’t alone.

I switched on my laptop and thought deeply as I sat down, the typical phenomenon of my overactive mind going into complete overdrive when there is no other verbal traffic to interfere, and pondered why the departure of his necessitated I feel this sneaking sense of dread.

I was thinking about what it means to miss someone. What is it about close proximity that heals the hole in our hearts that distance creates?

Our friendship started off in the maple garden. A genuine friendship often requires a coincidence or two. Initiative apparently, has been a violation of some fundamental principle to which I tenaciously subscribed. You have affirmed my worth once, and whittled away at my self-centeredness.

We laughed at the same things, most of the time hysterically and at a very high note. We could say anything we felt to each other and be understood. These are memories that cannot be duplicated in the later years. These memories are simply too good to forget.

Now, I weep in genuine grief because I know we would no longer be able to be together openly. Our friendship could only be enjoyed spatially and at a distance. The prevailing thought being, I lost a flexible lunch buddy as well.


Some pics of ours to share...

Our first ever trip - blue mountain, Feb 2009

Our first ever cooking - Surry hill, April 2009

Our first ever trip by plane - Melbourne, July 2009

Kiama, June 2010

Then we just get closer and closer...

A Drunk Night Out

I feel like releasing my stress sometime, somewhere, towards someone, but somehow I am hurting myself worse by wallowing in the absurd phenomenon of shield that covers up myself due to my disciplined daily regime.

Yes, hard time. I am having this hard time for months. I constantly strike hard, try to fix the broken, to pursue, to accomplish, all in the name of gain.

Last Saturday night when the party animals was crawling on the streets and frolicking on the dance floor, I associated myself with them. I purged my unsavory emotions onto the glass of white wine offered by Wilson.

It tasted bitter, but I sipped it as frequent as it looked like I was slurping it. It did not take long for me to get drunk, my tolerant level to alcohol is simply prostrate to the ground. Moments like this I harbor no doubt that I could get rid of all these thoughts and stresses, but it was another story this time. My tear dropped down while I was standing. Next, I sat down and I completely burst out.

Alcohol took away my control over my long-burrowed pain. Damp months have sullied my mind. A glass of white wine dissolved the weak side of my conjugated cognition.

Albeit I worked enough hours, produced and progressed much, these just did not exacerbate me from the research trauma. All these illuminate my future corpse felt threatened by the perceived loss of my imagined throne of brightest dream.



Special thanks to Vixon who accompanied me home, gave up his wild witching hour in exchange with my mild night. I guess this is the scenario where the term of genuine friend worth a whoop.



I should be fine, at least i have something to look forward for the week.

I earned the title, but not the money.

This is akin to “fame or money” dilemma. The circulation and intersection between prestige and money are of cyclical nature with iterative or recursive characteristics and description has to start somewhere which may possibly give a wrong impression of any assumed starting point of a cycle. In my case, it is both philosophical issue and of great practical consequence.

Having recently attained the Associate Lecturer position, kind of being promoted from the tutor position that I have been working for the past 2.5 years, I thought my living is moving to the stage where, I will have the extravagance to design my life, as I would have the fixed income from the new position coupled with the charge-by-hour basis tutorial class.

Ironically, my weekly income now can barely cover my weekly studio rental. I am living on a negative income basis, on the fact that I cannot have these two jobs concurrently. I guess the enormity of the current financial mayhem is to be paid for by ostensible effort in my research which will be amounted to a dissertation at the end of such limbo. Unfortunately, it is half a year more to go…

Prior to this, I used to have the luxury to design my life as a full-time PhD student with my part-time but full-time equivalent paid job. Term deposits, then shares, IPO new releases, I invested my money in whatever way I could. Then family trips, weekend outing, banquet meal, fortnightly shopping. It was the past two and a half year where my life was bloomed with sumptuous goods, lavish style and splendid experiences. I was pampered to exploit this lucrative pays.

How I wish this financial crisis is purely psychological and I could snap out of it and further be motivated to strike hard. It simply matters much to me at this stage.

Perhaps, things start with a title. Then Mr. M (money) comes after.

自拟藏头诗


情牵五月风萧瑟，
系怀长夜稀客随，
汤汤之旋触情欲，
梁端音弦绕三秋。

惜念贰君苦不逢，
董道余将不豫兮，
海角天涯遍始休，
昌世一聚泪泉涌。

思慕宿宾故事萌，
霜容悠悠吾不寐，
是古非今景不在，
痛哀未尽思慕瘁。

梦中不知君是客，
见画一色叹其美，
曹分两地形单影，
慧眼一睁不胜悲。

Port Stephens Whale Cruise

It was one of the best day trips ever. I would love to put it so, but as palpable as the excitement was, it was more like self-indulgence between me and my mom, while my brothers suffered from nausea.



Months earlier, I was in touch with Lung about this excursion and we expected it to be an outstanding experience for everyone. I secured space on the luxurious vessel purposely built for ocean cruises, Moonshadow V.

The morning started out well enough with a hearty breakfast of scramble eggs with bacons and raison toast prepared by me. I would say, it was simple yet fabulous culinary experience. It was not about the food I prepared, but the family I prepared for!



Aboard ship, we immediately grabbed our seats on the observation deck. I was having this perpetual anticipation of the magnificent giants that will appear anytime.

Unfortunately, very soon, two of my brothers were haunted with seasick. Ship was bouncing up and down in the waves. I could hear the sound of the slapping water hitting all around the ship. Apparently they were match made in motion-sickness heaven. Nausea hit them like a ton of bricks and they puked over the side of the ship. I am regret I didn’t snap a photo of them at that point of time to commemorate such repugnant scene in the middle of Tasman Sea.

After puking yet again, they just couldn’t take this rocking vessel and zonk out on the floor.



It was then the humpback whale appeared. Me and my mom were the witnesses to the greatest mammals on earth. We were lucky enough to find a juvenile humpback flipper slapping and breaching. It was indeed breathtaking to witness the constant appearance of the whales spyhop out of the sea.





Cruises are truly superb at bringing together a whole group of travellers, especially family members even though I have two being paralysed in the entire trip. If you have the opportunity to plan a family vacation, make sure that you strongly consider a cruise, so that you too can have The Best Day Trip Ever!