Stop caring

Apart from teaching, marking and my research works, my thoughts revolved around only one thing. You. You went around in redundant circles, spinning my heart into an agonized frenzy. I did forcing myself to do anything to keep me occupied, just to keep my sanity.

I feel like running for my life, running away from all the harrowing torturous thoughts and into the arms of someone, anyone, who actually cares and willing to catch me before this falling through a bottomless crevice drives me insane.

I feel like stay in bed all day, chasing after sleep. Whenever my mind is not occupied with works, it hurts, too much to be awake. The only way to narrow down our proximity: nothing but to have you appeared in my dream. When I am dreaming I have you, and I cannot bear to be wrenched from the safety of your embrace every time my eyelids flutter open.

At this point of time, I hope I am really into the position of cessation in caring on you. Time trickles by much too slow. I want to blink all the suffering away. I do not want to love or hate, I want to feel indifference. That is when all ties will truly be severed. That is when I really would have pushed you out of my heart and thought, when it is really over, when you are really dead to me.

Foolish game

It was a foolish game that I have played. I would love to say it was one of those “love at first sight” things, but as palpable as the instantaneous attraction was, the most overwhelming feeling was annoyance. Call it an unparalleled annoyance.

I like my own saying: be grateful for having been granted the joy of fun and affection at one point of time in which it just not meant to last, and then move on. But for this case, I was not granted for anything, merely unrequited love.

The only things from you are, perhaps just some intent stares, which were observed when I casually turned my head. I have always considered myself a bit of a clairvoyant, but it does not take a psychic to acknowledge that the sudden rush of heat I felt is that which can only be brought on by you.

Having no guts in approaching you, I chalked it up to paranoia and moved closer to you. It was maddening, really. You did not even seem interested, slightly puzzled maybe.

I felt like a fundamental part of me was missing for the longest time, it constantly seemed as if I was reaching for something, only to have it slip through my fingers in the last second. I was never one to dwell on the past, but despite how things ended, my previous relationship meant too much for me to pretend to be cavalier about it and brush it off as if it were nothing.

Now, I think it is the end,and it would remain as a sweet nostalgia to have recalled how you grind while you were asleep.

To my beloved bro. :

Having little information on what has happened lately, I am not in position to judge your decision either right or wrong. However, I am here to share with you what is in my thought, what I actually discern in your recent affair.

You might have to accept the truth that you are wandering around in a blissful haze, totally besotted. Love sneaks up and whacks you upside the head. When the relationship is new and shiny, like everyone does, the beloved would be perceived to be surrounded by otherworldly aura, devoid of imperfections. Forsaking a dull and old lover, you just cannot get enough of this dazzling newness. Same process goes on, once the affair is no longer fresh and dewy, there exists the distinct possibility for disillusionment. You will start to wonder how you didn’t notice certain things, this is where horrible truths come out and sense of remorse permeates in.

A relationship is not just about the fresh and dewy, but it is an alternating emotion of love and enmity. You might have lost the intimacy within a loving relationship, but there always exists the passion and some commitments from and for each other. Do not let the dull and something new overwhelmed these. You should cynical about affairs in your heart.

You might have claimed that you have no control over your feelings, as much as you phrase this as an excuse to indulge yourself in a love affair, as far as you let yourself expose to the possibility of emotionally devastating disaster. People do not just fall in love with no will or intention or choice in the matter. People certainly fall into feelings of affection for others and may find themselves inextricably and powerfully drawn to other human beings, but that is not the equivalent of loving them. To love someone you must act. And when we say act, it definitely should be the proper acts, not self-indulgently flooding your wall, telling the whole world with those frivolous remarks, trifle you with undue levity posts.

1. Give up the old just because of the new, it is a no no.

2. Give up the old and there comes a new, probably yes.

3. Forsake the new and stick back to the old, you should see how far you can carry on with the old.

4. Forsake both and let go.

Option 1 and 2: Adopt an easy come-and-go way when dealing with the new one, at least for the initial stage.

Option 3 and 4: Be grateful for having been granted the joy of fun and affection at one point of time in which it just not meant to last, even just a short period and move on.

After all, you are the centre of everything. Make sure you do not get hurt at the end of the day while minimising the pain you might leave people behind.


Sincerely.

Friends and Acquaintances in Sydney

After two hours of lethargic standing in tutoring MMAN2100, I spent a little time adrift hanging around the campus I just spend four years on. As I struggled to come to the terms with the fact that many of my friends were moving on to begin the next phase of their lives, as I wandered how I was going to continue meeting up new acquaintances and as I thought of whether or not a year later I would be on my way to my desired career path or stuck in the same limbo.

Up to the fall of 2010, the trajectory of my attempt to study abroad would forever hold a special place in my memory upon I stumbled into Lethe. I would just say life imposes itself on you in that kind of a way. Thinking back, I actually suffered from the naive illusion that I deserved some helps, and then came with the big disappointment and heartache that were implied in my succinct summation: “ Maybe, I am just not good enough” back in 2005. It was those days when one reason that has most controlled the fates of individuals throughout history but was supposed to have been rendered irrelevant in the modern day: money, and the lack thereof.

To cumulate the acquaintances and friends I have met in OZ land: Juwin Ng, then very first housemates in Forsyth St. , Karl Leung, Patrick Mak, Zhiqi Wang, housemates in Barker St. , Qim Lee, bunch of college-mates in Warrane, Foo Hew, Sahn Lee, Cheng Wong, Justin Saw, Vixon Han and most recently, Macho Ma and Phoebe Chan. Alongside with my old friends: Aifen Chai, Kokyew Lee, SKC mates, to name just a few.


Dinner at my place, Macho&Phoebe

to be continued...

和你的故事，就像是一趟旅行，有了起点，屡次以为到了终点,下了车却又及时赶上车，一路地走便不知道哪一站是终点…

又是一段冬天的邂逅, 或许是人生太短暂、太仓促，有了这样的邂逅，幸福的牵手……有了一段绚丽多姿的爱！

多一个人陪，多一个人帮你分担，生活不再孤单、落寞。有一个人在想着你、恋着你、盼着你、赞你、踩你， 做任何事都是那样的美妙。

绚丽过了，随着彼此认识的加深，生活上的忙碌，隐藏的问题都扑头盖面朝你走来，开始觉得烦、累，甚至想要逃避。

人是由于感情的淡化而变得懒惰，其实人是先被惰性征服，感情才慢慢变淡的。我把力量写给了事业，剩余下的难再着手改造、打磨 跟你的爱。 有活力的爱情，是需要适度殷勤来灌溉的，谈恋爱，我会是抱着偷懒心态。

分隔之后，才察觉你的弥足珍贵，纵然有你的刻意流泪,但你确实曾悲伤过.，你带走了属于我的欢笑，甚至掏挖了我的灵魂！

一个叫WILLIAM的朋友说可以随时牵手，但不可以随便放手，但牵手和分手同来自一双手！

现在的心情: 想逃离那陷阱，却以陷入了困境，我没有输赢的勇气,只望逃脱的幸运。

思慕宿宾故事萌，
霜容悠悠吾不寐。
是古非今景不在，
痛哀未尽思慕瘁。

Surrealistic Chemistry subject nightmare

I doubt if it is true in the saying there is no better consolation than to improve and excel at what you once failed in—as true in little monthly test that I had back in 2000 as in anything else. Until today, I still have the dream that I was unprepared for this particular subject a day before the exam.

It was in the year 2000, I actually failed in a monthly test and earned a crimson score in the monthly test card. At that point of time, I really did not feel anything, hang on, I think I actually did, but the sense of repugnance towards the teacher in charge had overwhelmed the sense of humility- a teacher who was promoted to school principal in that period. My aversion towards him was developed since form 1, solely because I really dislike how impatience and bad-tempered he was when dealing with stuff. Somehow, this tragedy did actually occupy a spot in my memory and leave me with plenty of calamities in my dream for years even until present day.



An easy score of A1(high distinction) in the ultimate assessment, SPM does not extricate me from this nightmare though and even how well I did in the fundamental Chemistry course in my degree in the later years.

It really put me into thought that should I really put some efforts for the sake of getting rid of this nightmare. I would not have any chance sitting for Chemistry related course in the future, unless I go for another Chemistry related degree. Or should I go for a Post Doc combustion project that involves Chemistry-fluid flow coupled challenges.

Alternatively, I can just get a life partner in Chemistry profession, just to complement what I have once failed.

It is another morning that I find myself lethargic when those brightest rays of light pour through my window as the sun creeps above the ridge line in the east. I am tired and sitting on my bed overlooking the Randwick racecourse. The top name in my recent call list would have been the one that I want to dial, the one I have been calling endlessly for the last 7 months.

“The service you are calling is switched off or not in coverage. Please try again later.” Vehemently, I press, press and press the call back tab. Consistently, I am getting the same message.

I look at the little grimy apple-shaped mirror on my iphone, the ramifications of your departure are fully portrayed on my subdued eye.

The past summer that I have spent ostensibly doing research towards what will hopefully someday amount to a dissertation has now metamorphosed into what I think I owe you a sorry. I isolated you before, I played cool with you before. It was all about before, and what about after?

本來總是牽著的手,
現在怎麼各自寂寞?
alin-以前，以後

你的一句‘错过了良缘’换来的是我一股莫名的忧伤。心酸的感觉无法言语， 呆楞着盯着窗外，看着远方。 往事的点点滴滴陆续浮现，想着你的微笑和你的身影。眼前是冰冷，凄凉，埋藏在心灵深处的忧伤，是耽搁的忧伤。

是这个物欲横流的世界玷污了爱情，是享乐主义的欲望蒙蔽了心灵。

我们的爱，曾经太美丽。跟你的一切一切，我从没遗忘过。

What relationship means to me is an alternating emotions of love and enmity. In certain occasion, it could happen concurrently. This encompassing definition of relationship that I subscribed may occur when I have lost the intimacy within a loving relationship, yet still retain some passion for, or perhaps some commitment to, each other.



When a relationship is new and shiny, I perceive my beloved to be surrounded by an otherworldly aura, devoid of imperfections. Forsaking all others, I cannot get enough of this dazzling newness. Once the affair is no longer fresh and dewy, there exists the distinct possibility for disillusionment. I start wondering how I didn't notice certain things—or perhaps I actually noticed them but things I saw earlier are not what they look like. Horrible truths come out and they then begin to drive me crazy.

The truth is, when I have been around the block a few times, I tend to be cynical about affairs of my heart. Love sneaks up and whacks me upside the head. And there am I, wandering around in a blissful haze, totally besotted.

I have no control over my feelings. As much as I phrase this as an excuse to indulge myself in a love affair, as far as I let myself expose to the possibility of emotionally devastating disaster. People do not just fall in love with no will or intention or choice in the matter. People certainly fall into feelings of affection for others and may find themselves inextricably and powerfully drawn to other human beings, but that is not the equivalent of loving them. To love someone you must act.

I always have the belief that it is very common for people to think about their ex-partners. Individuals that have been an important part of your lives continue to take up a part of your mind and heart. It is impossible to dramatically shut the person out of thoughts and feelings. Just because the relationship ends does not mean that all is finished, at least if you were serious in the relationship before, not just ‘play play’.

It is about the breathtaking expansion of my ability to miss many while exploring the possibility of sharing my life with just one. I spend a lot time evaluating within myself whether or not this is actually true, whether it really is ‘miss’ that I feel for these different people. I fear it could be instead a desperate search for validation, some kind of dying to quench the incompleteness I feel out of a relationship, and that these needs are a result of some shortcoming of mine

Should I be grateful for having been granted the joy of fun and affection from you at one point of time in which it just not meant to last? Knowing such wonderful memories are great to have, I should be thankful I had those great experiences from you and feelings towards you.

Hectic research turns out to gratefulness to a special lady


This summer has been pretty much stuffed with research works, paper writing, post-processing results. In most circumstances, I have to buckle down, stay up in the lab, then read any relevant journals, even those that weren’t necessary, as much to find lousy papers I should avoid as praiseworthy ones I should emulate.

I have been working so hard that I hoped would someday pay off leading me to my dissertation. Getting into the final year of my research degree, I learned that a graduate education has its own neatly defined timeline, which won’t disappear however compelling your reasons for wishing it would.

Two possible extremes that might happen were playing tricks in my mind. I might be wildly productive, read voraciously, and produce many great results and at least a few good ideas. Or that I might grow wildly depressed, stew endlessly, and simmer alone in my room and not do a single thing, hang on… perhaps, Dota all day long.

I knew myself well enough to guess the second is not an absolute certainty; but I also know myself well enough to predict that even if put in the same situation again, emotional and slack side of me will delude myself into the second. Simply, a thoroughly rational man refuses to admit his impotence against emotion.

With so and so there lies anticipation- anticipation of a hiatus, physically, mentally or both.

Tonight there comes one, a perpetual anticipation to be precise. She shared, I tagged and she dedicated. Tremendous thank you to the special lady-Grace Ng I met on a train-cruising trip in Lopburi, Thailand!!

These greeting cards somehow free me from agitation, which in turn revel in the smile that portrayed in the face of poohs. I am indulging myself in the words and printing in the cards. I savour it as the greatest things since long.

Public Life versus Privacy in Blogging



My aim in writing publicly is not to brag about anything, but I use it as a tool for revolution. Every now and then when I write, I actually think, ponder and reflect upon myself on what was happened, and what is happening.

Blog is a place for me to express myself, what is hidden beneath my heart that is screaming to come out, a channel that helps me to dissipate feelings from my densely packed integrated soul.

Dilemmatically, I realized after I began this endeavor that some of what I might want to write about that I couldn’t could actually bandy much contention.

I do have an anonymous blog in which I exhaust my exhibitionist tendencies to share my deeper secrets and more risqué experiences without fear of those who need not know finding out information never meant for them. I am sure some of the folks out there are practising the same.

Nikon D90 vs Canon EOS7D

We all love toys. Some love expensive toys. I do love toys, both soft and hard. But nobody loves an expensive toy they never use.

People often think that carrying a DSLR everywhere with them is a heavy issue. I personally disagree so, having carrying a Nikon D90 to Melbourne, Bali, Bangkok, etc, I have never felt it as a burden at all, though it will never blend into the fabric of my life like a pocket camera will.


The gear in my hand is actually Nikon D3, captured by Nikon D90 though

Most serious photographers will tell you about two choices in the DSLR market: Nikon and Canon. Although companies like Olympus and Sony also make DSLRs, Nikon and Canon have such strong legacies in SLR photography that they have earned an unshakable amount of trust among professional photographers. Being an amateur, I am not one to question the conventional wisdom of professionals. Both are equally priced, equally equipped, and even take cues off each other in the feature department.

“Canons are the best cameras available designed by engineers, and Nikons are the best cameras one can buy designed by photographers.”

That probably explains why I should go for Canon now, engineer being. Model in my mind, Canon EOS7d, what do you think?

逝去的爱

I hope this blog is not a downer, it could be very cathartic in some senses though.

Again, having recently moved into a new studio, I was thinking about what it means to miss someone. What is it about close proximity that heals the hole in our hearts that distance creates? Talking on the phone, seeing pictures, it all helps but nothing is the same as standing face to face, the same as hugs and kisses. So much of who we are is wrapped up in that need for closeness, both physical and emotional.

Few love stories began before, one happened at the right time, one not.

I have no advice to give or insight to impart. I have no illusion that writing this will help me, let alone anyone else, understand how people fall in love and stay in love. There is no redemption or even self-improvement to be garnered from reading this. And I certainly do not believe it will heal me, relieve my pain, or, provide closure.

Good love stories often require a coincidence or two. I am not good in taking the first move, so I need the coincidence that come into play. Initiative apparently, has been a violation of some fundamental principle to which I then tenaciously subscribed.

Then..

I always paint an evocative word picture of the first night we spent together, passionately when our eyes met ours, our hearts melded, and we foolishly, impetuously wild together for no other reason than our mutual admiration of each other.

Later, in any case, I sort of confronted them, they confessed, and we attached.

For some reasons, we broke up and they still love me in that point of time and asked for reunion. I rejected. Once a relationship ends in most cases both people move forward with their lives.

Having say so, I do have one who shows genuine concern on me by asking about me occasionally. Then the other, simply act as if mind your own business. It brings me the thought that, my decision is justified on the latter.

Last, I am still in contact with them after the break up and there are always a lot of mixed messages being bounced back, in which I was hoping it is actually bandied back and forth, but unfortunately not.

I do feel sorry for them. Does it mean it is a sign that I still love them? I constantly want to make things right in future if there is any chance and not just a simple apology.

Oh my beloved blog in the name of Luvprada! Within past 3 days, it shows I have not abandoned you! I actually think of you far more often than is reasonable. I mean, if I am going to write, I should write. If I am not, I should not spend my time feeling guilty that I have not.

This summer thus far has been...revolutionary. Certainly, I am prone to bouts of personal revolution, in fact, I seem to not function well without them.

What has summer wrought upon me? I have moved from Warrane into a new studio, only realise afterwards that it is actually a psychological turmoil for me, being one who are mawkishly susceptible. Yes, I miss college life and people in the college, my easy reception job, anything. I nearly forget how annoying the guy who 拿著鸡毛当今箭 since he was promoted.

It has been 10 days, since I was “unemployed”, the fear of unemployment is permeating in.

The prevailing thought being, I have no more income for the next couple of months. It drives me nut.

Albeit being stranded in this difficult situation, I am attracted to Aesop products lately. I am thinking of getting few of them.



Anyone using these products?

I have become a devout member of sun cult. I am absolutely lethargic at the rising of the sun in the morning. I am tired and want to be asleep, when those brightest rays of light pour through my window as the sun creeps above the ridge line in the east, I am not up, but I am still up!

“The emerging jet from the orifice generated the clockwise vortex immediately downstream of the jet and at the same time it generated a small anticlockwise near the upper surface on the downstream side of the jet. Downstream of the impinging jet the motion is sustained by the jet and the remnant of the vortices from the previous cycle….”





Well, I do hate writing these technical things. It is squeezing out my brain juice. Looking at the velocity vectors pattern in certain timestep and I have to come up with these description of the flow characteristics, I am frazzled. This technical paper has been started quite some while ago and it is still uncompleted.

I seem to need so much sleep. Alas, I need to vent.

Then, I find myself plagued by what should I vent?

Mr. Warrane, I miss you.

So..

I have moved into a new studio, have a quiet, nonchalant life on my own.

No more cleaning, no more coffee club, no more interruption.

It should be the day I am anticipating, for months since the day I decided to move out from college. But somehow, these longing excitement, are overwhelmed by the sorrow of leaving the college I have been staying for 3 years plus.

I woke this morning and that phrase came to me as soon as I pulled back the curtain that covers my bedroom window to reveal the Randwick racecourse, the place I used to take my exams in my undergraduate years. A sense of dark nostalgia was piqued when I inhaled the crisp air out of the window.



Then..

When I got home this evening, I was struck with it again. I was struck by my sense of foreboding, by my sudden urge to turn on my new LCD TV to ward off the quiet. It felt premature.

It was almost 7o'clock in the evening, not an uncommon hour for me to have taken my dinner back in the college days.

Once more I felt a tinge of fear. It is heading into twilight and I was a lone human traversing isolated studio, only I felt I wasn't alone.

I turned off the TV and thought deeply as I sat down, the typical phenomenon of my over-active mind going into complete overdrive when there is no other verbal traffic to interfere, and pondered why the my arrival in UNSW village necessitated I feel this sneaking sense of dread.

Was fearing staying alone an evolutionary imperative that assured me to put up a week's worth of food so I would need not to worry of starving and I was tapping into some quiescent remnant of that instinct that I no longer need having access to grocery stores, at most just once a week.

This is just the beginning..

距离2009年12月最后一勃已经山高水远，宇宙都划满了光年流转的痕迹。曾经，我的胳膊断了、我的精神幻灭了、而我的心依旧是暗夜里沉默的水晶。只期待一道光。
光会不会来？我苦苦求索。我在每一个现实的角落里偷偷寻找，

今夜里，我看到了那道曙光。

BIG THINGS

The end of the year is approaching. It slowly brings some reflections on the year past within myself. I start to ponder, what are the notorious big things I have accomplished for the year 2009?

To culminate the milestone I have achieved, I decided to write this post.

1. Annual review for my PhD (2nd year)

My review was an okay one. It determines whether my progress is sufficient to be able to move on to the final year of my PhD. Bravo, I made it, and now I am in the crucial year of my research degree!

2. Diploma of Education Studies

I have submitted my final major assignment lately. Sometimes next year, I will receive the award and add Dip. Ed to my title, i.e. Ann Lee B.Eng.(Hons), Dip. Ed.

3. Bronze in Australian University Games in Tenpin Bowling.

Yes, it is something worth to commemorate! My first participation in bowling tournament and I got Bronze! It was indeed a glorious moment back in Gold Coast. I played it in style!

What’s next?

A family trip in Bangkok, Chiangmai and Chiangrai! Whole new studio for my own in 2010!

Motivation versus my personal study life

In our daily life, we see many people starting to pursue their goals with great excitement. But why do many of them leave pursuing their goals in the middle? Some people are very good starters. But when they face any stress, discomfort or resistance in their path, they drop off. Some people are good starters and they are also good at keeping it going. But after a while, when they do not see the desired results, they are tempted to drop it off. Motivation is the key to this scenario. Motivation is the activation or energisation of goal-oriented behavior. Two general forms of motivation are intrinsic motivation and extrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation comes from rewards inherent to a task or activity itself whereas extrinsic motivation comes from outside of the performer.

The intrinsic motivation is relevant to many social realms, including education. It can be observed in the interaction between students and teachers. I personally experienced and went through the application of intrinsic motivation to study throughout my secondary school study life to university level.

Back in high school, I remember I did pretty well in one of the crucial examinations, part of the reason was because I was lucky as I did most of the questions similar to those came out in the examination paper earlier. I scored high mark and impressed my classmates as well as my teacher. Starting from there, my classmates as well as the teacher perceived me as special one. From there on, my classmates will come to me whenever they have problems or difficulties in their study. Initially, I could not really help them to solve the problems as I was just like one of them. I merely did well in that particular examination. Those questions prompted by them somehow motivated me to learn more and study more in order to be able to answer them. This was when the intrinsic motivation came into play. Due to the high score I achieved earlier, and the enjoyment of being addressed ‘special’ by fellow classmates, a strong motivation has formed within me.

In addition to this, my teacher tended to point questions to me as the result of that examination paper especially when nobody can answer it. My teacher expected I know the answer or I just meant to be able to get the answer easily compared to the rest of my classmates. This further made me pay more effort in my study because I do not want to fail to fulfil my teacher’s expectation. Gradually, I showed a significant gain over the other. I displayed this intellectual growth as a result of teacher’s greater expectation. Eventually, I fulfilled the role as a higher ability student.

As the years go by, like most things, motivation is not constant. In general, people may start out things enthusiastically and then the interest diminishes with time. Maintaining motivation is crucial in this context. I am aware of this scenario and hence, I am setting goal from time to time when I set a new goal once I have achieved one. When I was in high school, I set my goal to enter the prestigious university that I wish to get it and placed the goal at much higher than the minimum entry requirement. I managed to get in unconditionally as an international student status. During my undergraduate studies, I knew I can achieve much more and I want to further my Philosophy of Doctorate degree, I set the goal to be the top 5 percent in terms of academic achievement in the degree I was doing and targeted for First class honours. I made it at the end as well as awarded a scholarship to do my postgraduate research. The driving force is all came from goals I have set from time to time which then maintained the motivation within myself. Setting goals have added emotional commitment to my study, a commitment that increase motivation and make my study more meaningful and relevant.

Apart from individual case, such psychological effect came into play to my secondary school too. There was grouping or categorising of students based on the academic performance in my school. Students were divided into different classrooms according to academic ability. Students with good results will be allocated to the best class, and vice versa. Such grouping system was said to provide more individualised instruction for individual differences. Good teachers were assigned to good academic performance class whereas less experienced teachers were assigned to poor academic performance class. For poor academic performance class students, teachers tended to pay less attention and expectation on them. Teacher’s expectations definitely affected low achievers. Teachers’ interaction with students perceived as low achievers is less motivating and less supportive than interaction with students perceived as high achievers. Most often, teachers in poor academic performance class never bother if the students understand on what they have taught.
In the good academic performance class which was consisted of high achievers, they received more time to respond to questions. When high achievers experienced difficulties in study, teachers tended to give clues, or rephrase the question more frequently than with low achievers. This placed low achievers at a considerable disadvantage to high achievers because they do not have an equal opportunity to develop their answers and voice out their responses. By not acknowledging the responses of low achieving students, teachers reinforced the students’ feelings of inadequacy and lessen their desire to learn.

My personal experience based on the achievement level I exhibited hypothesise that consistent positive reinforcement has an effect on a student’s perception of his or her academic potential. Same thing happens if consistent negative reinforcement is taken place. As for my case, I was consistently receiving a certain message from my teacher during my secondary school, and I began to internalise these message as well as accept the teacher’s signals as a reflection of reality. If teachers consistently use actions and language to reinforce what they believe to be a student’s potential, students will begin to put limits on their own possibilities based on the teachers’ messages of expected achievement.

It is more beneficial to set high expectations for students to reach rather than low expectations, which they can reach with little effort. I strongly believe that students have greater interest in a subject if they feel challenged. If there are no appropriate expectations placed upon them, they would not have the motivation to strive for success.

As a conclusion, motivation plays a relatively important role in education either in the form of intrinsic or extrinsic. My personal experience and background have demonstrated how intrinsic motivation can help to build up oneself. Teachers play a vital role in stimulating and fostering students’ intrinsic motivation. Teachers have the responsibility to provide an inclusive classroom environment where everyone is valued, respected and included. Students will then participate more fully in the process of learning. Students should be provided with tasks that are challenging but achievable. Defining tasks in terms of short term goals can further assist students to associate effort with success. Lastly, continuous goals setting either short term or long term is important in order to maintain one self’s motivation.

在RedHat Restaurant 里有感而发。

漆黑的夜里，飘渺着小雨，狂风肆虐的刮着，吹动着我凌乱的心。我在等待，等待着它的停止。一杯杯的清茶，让我想起了彭佳慧的回味。

茶水能静心，却满是波涛， 心是难以平静。

我是不甘心就这样结束，没有梦想的灿烂就黯然凋谢。过去几年前的平淡无漪，是我追求的。
　　
但是……
　　
背叛伤心了人，苍老了容颜，痛苦了记忆。

我没有奢求什么，只是一个比较不简单的生活，一个世俗人所憧憬的朴实的未来而已。

2007 ， 2008 年留下最深刻的是痛苦的回忆，它折磨了我的记忆，它划下了满目疮痍，伤痕累累的容颜。撕心裂肺的记忆是那令人窒息、痛彻心扉的伤。

这一切一切是我的青春，我把青春写给了你，憧憬迎着朝阳，你却奔向夕阳。
　　　　　　

相隔4909miles
你从记忆里溜走未曾说再见
你不该邂逅我
不该放任你对我一时的喜好
给我渴望的故事
留下丢不掉的名字

时间难倒回空间易破碎
二十二小时的爱情
是我一生难忘的美丽回忆
享受幸福的错觉
误解了快乐的意义
不够时间好好来爱你
早该停止愚昧的游戏

愿被你抛弃就算了解而分离
不愿爱的没有答案结局

*参考广岛之恋

夜已深，无法入睡。这夜里，一惯地独守空闺，注定了言语的沉默，而思绪却在被所牵引着奔腾向前，不能停止。 是安静的夜，而又潜伏着无穷的波动。

释怀了黑暗的冬天，春天，我并不期待，释怀了一味的多愁善感，喜悦，我感到陌生。

安静的夜有鸟儿的吱叫声为伴。鸟儿的叫声，响一阵接着一阵，像是对我窃窃私语，传达着春天的希望。

在那个陌生的异乡，置身在不到十五平方公尺的卧室里，窗外的冷风捎来遥远的悲伤。我痴痴地出神，闭上含泪的眼睛，泪水滋润了我的双眸，带着阵阵暖意，再睁开的那一刻，心灵得到片刻的净洗。

在经历无奈等等一系列感情打击之后，显出了从未有过的心如止水。我想，无论是怎样的命运安排，就等着去接受吧。即使前方是一片黑暗，那里也有牵引和温暖我的一双彦手，牵我走向一路的欢笑，一路的希望。　　

Working issue

Everyone should has a job, not just for financial sake, but you do need that spiritually, to recognise how much structure, affirmation and sense of purpose paid work supplies, and a feeling of competence and security.

As far as I am concerned, employment statistics are fairly slippery. In my own circles, I know of people who would not be counted among the ‘unemployed’ statistically but are certainly without work, or without work much earlier than they would have wished. I have acquaintances around who are not working in their profession of study, (perhaps this apply to most people), or those who simply idling their time without doing anything in their life. The latter do survive, they are just naturally resilient enough and thanks to their strong family who pick up financial slack for them.

As for myself, apart from the research degree I am currently working on, I have been working as academic tutor in UNSW for several 2nd-4th year undergraduate courses as well as master by coursework courses in my field upon graduation.

My areas of tutoring involve:

Engineering Mechanics
Linear Systems and Control
Engineering Design
Numerical Methods
Aviation Technologies
Computational Engineering
Computational Fluid Dynamics



Achievement up to date, I am head tutor for Numerical Methods in which the enrolment is more than 200 students. To be frank, I do enjoy the experience of teaching in tutorial class alongside with the lucrative pays. I find it as soft landing, so different to the head scratching research works.
Less juice in the brain is required.

My UTMKL mates as well as UNSW mates…

More than half of them secured their jobs in Singapore and leading comfortable life now. Salute to them. And those who are still spending hours each day trawling the net for opportunities in Singapore, keep up your hopes, creativity and tenacity and I sincerely wish you all the best!

Singapore sound like heaven for them in this context, in the sense that working in Malaysia brings you nowhere. Similar to me who currently residing in Australia, my ultimate settling benevolent land would be US. I firmly believe I can achieve much more in US with the unlimited resources there. The gateway to there? Nothing else but my PhD along with my tantamount research experience.

For this reason, as well as out of common thoughtfulness, give priority to activities that lift you spirits and connect you to the world, look at your potential from outside the square. I firmly believe the best don’t usually succeed, but the better knowing what he/she can improve from may outweigh the best. Wherever we are on the work continuum, we need to think with some energy and resourcefulness.

Found this assessment in my old drive the other day, here goes my online Cognitive Ability Test for Coles position application back in 2007.



It is flattering to find myself categorised in the top 4%. But guess problem solving skills are not really required there.

悲欢离合，人间百态，爱之别离，难舍难分。
恋人之别，执手相看，情至深处，哽咽无语。分别之后，两相思念，朝思暮想，牵肠挂肚，焦虑不安。天各一方，离别之苦唯有情字难舍。

冬天的早晨，外头吹着冷风，绿草是寂寞；广坎的天空没有飞鸟的痕迹，白云是寂寞；空荡荡的房间没有你的欢声笑语，我是寂寞。

推开窗子，一阵刺骨的寒风急急涌进，我颤抖着身子把窗子重重地关上，你的一个来电，房间温暖如春了。

由里外望，仿佛蒙上了一层轻纱，朦朦胧胧的。提起手指头在IPHONE上精心绘出心上人的名字。心上人的名字，永远是最迷人的字眼。

我幽幽地走到电脑前，缓缓地坐在椅子上，进入电脑视窗的当儿，我又对窗外世界发了一阵子的呆。是冬天，我的神经有点粗。

我开了音乐，宥嘉的歌曲在房间环绕，被歌声包围的我，想念着和你共度时光的那一刻。

晃晃忽忽看见NEWTON building 顶上炊烟袅袅上升，原来是炊烟看见云的寂寞，化为烟云缠绕厮守。然而我内心的寂寞，有谁来陪伴？

A celestial encounter that have changed me to some extent

It is a total period of three and a half month where I found myself trawling the net for the chance to see you logging to your profile. It was indeed soul destroying when my efforts were largely met with silence. More poignantly, I somehow have maintained a stubborn belief in myself to keep up my hopes and tenacity. Such stubborn self-belief was accurately identified by few of my friends, in the face of daily disappointments.

For the last three and a half month, I have been putting myself in the risk of becoming seriously demoralised and depressed hopelessly. Natural resilience is just a way too far down the road. Uncertainty and loss have been dominated my life.

Every now and then, I felt a gripping loss. Intelligence often reveals itself as a sort of active alertness.

I constantly talked about such bizarre encounter yet with an affecting radiance that you would felt as if I have met someone really special.

“This is the one who are so perfect in everything” I said, emphasising the perfection visibly awed by the experience. In reality, nothing comes close to this.

Until yesterday, I saw the face that was vaguely familiar and yet I have a bit of doubt in recognising. I gave a dismissive look. I could feel that my heart was pumping so smooth that blood flow was so laminar and nonchalantly in my artery. The stability, at such low Reynolds number, the ‘inertial terms’ (the force of driving to you) has become relatively unimportant. The ‘flow pattern’ is merely determined by the balance of ‘viscous forces’ and the ‘pressure gradient’. Viscosity has damped out any turbulent effects. There were just so many synthetic factors that were built up to disrupt such laminar flow whilst interfering stagnant zones.

My consciousness, my brain has gained back its normal functionality and logically dictated, I have been conforming you so much to the definition of perfection all these while.

Now, I have mitigatedly seen the tunnel of light and I am looking forwards the daily life with feeling of competence and security.

Iphone 3gs

Knitted Iphone cover

Preliminary design :


Final product




what do you think?

and shall i go for this?

Damier Graphite Canvas Louis Vuitton

置尼四署，较之往，是朝之，是降之。
朝移进向，降于质受。
朝：觑乐友比之，吾驰千里，方有位，方有划。乐友莫及也。
降：占理友比之，昔之逊者今媲吾也。哀，吾顿足不迈，顿踬不利。是昔速祸身，导今之不达。

Mood swings

Lately, I have challenges with mood swings. These mood swings are getting worse and worse especially under such great amount of gray winter days. Perhaps lack of sun exposure leads to the profound effect on my moods and feelings of not well-being.

Now it happens again. Just days before I was on top of the world after the nonchalant Melbourne trip. The mood swings I am experiencing have a certain knack for making me feeling completely lost. My emotions are so out of whack that I do not even know where I should be sad or angry in any situations, any issues.

I doubt if I am suffering from mood disorder… I really hate these. The pains are simply excruciating.

Damn doldrums, please go away from me!!!

Travelling with friends

Going on holiday with friends is one of the best ways to travel. You are able to experience new places or revisit old ones with the comfort and companionship of people close to you. The only big stress is trying to get it organized, but travelling with taxi along, this should not be a big deal.

This winter, Vixon and I made a trip to Melbourne, a place I am quite familiar with, nothing much but some gatherings with old friends and one day trip to Great Ocean Road. Back in a month ago, I was suggesting this trip to Melbourne and to stay with Hengzai to Vixon, it was on the spur of the moment.

I played my role as the asset when it comes to navigating our way in the Melbourne city. Perhaps this is just a personal preference because I have developed to be taxi orientated throughout these years and more map-literate with my E90 GPS.
Hilarious jokes keep popping up along the trip. Indeed, it is so much fun when you have someone else to laugh with.

On one night, we were actually struggling to find a place to accommodate ourselves. The fact that we were both in the same situation was comforting and I think maybe in that time, some further bond was forged.



In hindsight, when travelling with friends, the good far outweighs the bad and the ugly. Although at times it might not have looked that way. I think it all comes down to respect. If you have a high mutual respect for your friend, everything should work out ok.

Do prepare as much for the lead-up as for the return. Inevitable you will have so much fun and so many stories to tell and share in the next few years time.

Now I have returned to Sydney. The travel euphoria is gradually wearing off. Very soon it will be a huge downer that it is all over and I have to settle back into general swing of things.

*Something not relevant but come to my mind
Travelling with mates can be a fantastic bonding experience. On the other hand, it can also be a hell from which there is no escape. Not everyone has the same interests or budget. There are going to be disagreements about what to do and where to go. If you are not good at compromising and wish to keep your friends, travelling solo is your best option. Sometimes it is simply not healthy to be living in each other’s pockets as you do when travelling with friends. Too much time together means annoying habits can be magnified a hundredfold. This is when things get nasty. Personalities clash. Horrible truths come out. There is no escape.

Great Ocean Road
I would say it is one of the world’s most spectacular coastlines though I still have much to explore in the future. Along the Great Ocean Road, the part I remember the most would be the Twelve Apostles. The Twelve Apostles are an extremely popular tourist destination on the great ocean road and there is an extensive series of walkways and viewing platforms.






I was able to find some room and take photo alone. For few moments, I was actually contemplating the ongoing war waged by the sea against these stone sentinels. They said 2cm in a year, I doubt it could be more.







Overall, I love Great Ocean Road particularly the Twelve Apostles part, it was a chance for me to reconnect and appreciate the tenacity of nature. Somehow, at that point of time, my spirit felt saturated with the cosy breeze, fresh air, scorching sunlight, reflective waves… not to mention my self-declared holiday mood.

Bali trip 8 June – 15 June 2009

How glorious, a week in Bali! No work, no research, no teaching and no tomorrow to think of. It's just me and my family on holiday. I had really good time, with family. But keeping them enjoyed, even in sunny Bali, can be hard work. What can you do to strike a balance so that everyone goes home happy? Especially when I have to veer between him and my family. To add thing worst, my septuagenarian grandmother who has mobility difficulty.

I arrived Bali in the night time. First night in Bali was just alright, much less of the anticipated excitement. Partly due to the tedious work before the trip and the long hour flight from Sydney. Maxi restaurant was the first rendezvous for us. Lumpia, nasi goreng maxi, red snapper curry, my first meal Bali island. I met my brother whom I have not seen for 1.5 year. First impression of Bali, to be more specified, Kuta area is nothing but noisy, cheesy and totally hazard. I bask in the glorious sunshine throughout the trip with my tailored-to-the-knee pant, polo shirt and slipper.

Tuesday 9 june 2009
Second day in Bali. Wake up in the horrible Dewi Sri hotel and had the one-off breakfast together with them. Kicked off the day by renting a motorbike and hang around Kuta street. Lunch in a Chinese restaurant. Curry chicken rice, I can vividly remember the taste. I guess I just evolved pretty well to be a curry fans after years in Australia. Tour first started at 5pm.

Pura Luhur Uluwatu
First temple visit. It was about an hour’s journey from Kuta to Pura Luhur Uluwatu, literary translated as ‘Divine Water Rock Temple’. This is the temple with the most spectacular view as it is perched on the edge of a cliff which looks down onto the great surfing beach. I think the best part is when a cheeky macaque scratched my mom hair.





Dinner 7pm+
Jimbaran Bay
We then proceed to the Jimbaran Bay Restaurants. The bay is basically a row of barbeque seafood stalls with all the table setups at the beach. It is very beautiful to see a long stretch of candlelit beachside. When the food arrived, the first to do is not to eat, neither to take picture.. the food is not presentable, not tasty.. they claim it as seafood platter.





After a ‘scrumptious’ dinner, we headed back to Kuta.
Supper at kopi pot restaurant later, a tasty bakmi goreng I ever tasted. Some sessions of wifi. At least the dainty bakmi goreng compensated the disappointment of the day.

Wednesday 10 june 2009
Early tour at 8.30am. Have breakfast together as yesterday, toast, omelette, bacon. Barong dance - first event of the day
This is a little bit boring (I mean the show), but at least it's worth mentioning compare to the visit to the amateur painting gallery and handicraft village.
I would say Barong dance does worth a watch in spite of its lengthiness.



Balinese, which are mostly consisted of Hindus, believe in Gods of good and evil. The Barong Dance basically describes the fight between good and evil. Barong is a character in Balinese mythology representing the good spirit that protects the people. The Barong is somewhat like Chinese Lion Dance, just that the pace is very very slow compared to the Lion Dance.



Luckily they added some humour to the show to avoid the tourists from falling asleep. My brother did fall asleep though, and my grandmother comment on the show, ‘this is so called zhor hi (a show)?”
Highlight would be the emo guys who keep on stabbing their own self with fake knives and make that annoying moan to show their immortality. Maybe they're undergoing the same situation that Geek is undergoing.



After Barong dance, we proceeded to Ubud, where there is an active volcano.
Ubud
It takes about an hour’s ride to Ubud, the artistic centre of Balinese. Along the way, we get to see many small stalls/shops selling art pieces. It is very sad to see small little kids wandering on the street, do all they can to sell those small little things by begging, pleading. Perhaps this is how Bali survives; getting the sympathy from tourists. Things come to my mind at that point of time, perhaps they can be trained and put into direct sales, or we call it multi-level marketing.


















Third day in Bali, 11 June 2009
Lunch in a restaurant amid the impossibly green rice terraces of Ubud



While eating, I was visualizing, how great it could be if there is some traditional music played in such atmosphere, imagine the haunting melody of a gamelan echoing on row and row of quintessentially green rice terraces, it must be pure, unadulterated magic.


I did google a bit and check for the information on the next two tourist spots. Here we go, along with the snapshots with NIKON DSLR D90.

Pura Tanah Lot
Pura Tanah Lot is a temple which sits on an offshore rock formation. It has a mythological background in which the temple was build to worship the Bali Sea God. At its base, it is the home of poisonous sea snakes, the holy guardians of the temple.














Pura Taman Ayun
Pura Taman Ayun (Garden Water Temple) is one of six royal temples in Bali. It was the royal temple for the Mengwi Dynasty in the 17th Century. According to our tour guide, this temple was always packed with worshipers in its high time.




That’s my 8days 7nights tour to Bali. It is unusual for people to plan for a trip for such long time, considering such small island. We managed to cover kuta, Uluwatu, Tanah Lot, Jimbaran, Ubud, Nusa Dua, etc).
That’s the way I like for trip, long, relax and easy. Now I am eagerly looking forwards Bangkok, Chiangmai and Chiangrai trip at the end of November 2009.


Denpasar, Ngurai rah airport.
Waiting in the boarding gate, flight to Sydney was delayed. I was sipping glass of pineapple juice in Prada lounge, and that last for nearly two hours. He left me at 745pm after secured an entry for me into the lounge using his priority pass card. The moment he left me, I experienced mixed feeling. I could have taken the world with him at the time. He always gives me the best he could, regardless of any price he can pay beyond. Tears was rolling in my eye the moment he took the escalator up. Upon his departure, I just spent time relaxing in the lounge. Have some noodle, pumpkin soup, some hot snacks, drinks.... Followed by hour long of internet facebooking and chatting.

几年后的相遇

我低步于繁华隆市的街头， 我离撤于沉静孤清的街尾。

那是一个冷风袭骨的清晨。 回家的路上，记录着苍桑百年的孤寂也承受着世事的折磨。不断有人出现，有人消失，有人望着它哀悼，就像我们的再度相遇。相逢有相逢的际遇，萍水有萍水的礼数，终于明白你我并不缘止于此。谁说朝朝暮暮才是终点，告别的年代，分开的理由，终不需诉说出口，不要问，为什么放手，为什么妥协，宿命像张网到处是挣不开的丝蔓，即使挣开有什么意义？

许多年以后的相遇，不再是少年斑斓的色彩，满眼看到的是回忆的一丝丝泪光。我是铭记不忘， 曾经在那么美的一个冬天，我们邂逅了。我们的爱情旅程碑始于凯思维克月台...

一条一条的航线联结的我们，周末的聚集推开了我们的心湖。就是那么安静。安静的夜里，安静的夕阳，我们共度的无数灿烂时光。

是你教会了我金沙，热浪，麦香。至今我仍持着你的积分卡，纵使不用，它占据了我生活上的一席。生活有很多东西都无法抓住。是谁装饰了我的心？ 原来这世间有一种爱，它曾经美丽，它依然美丽。太美丽，太美丽，你的爱让生命太甜蜜 ，爱让我美丽。

你悄悄的来，静静的去，你那似有还无的思念和如影随行的背影循绕在我奔腾不息的热血，铬在我身体里，无法摆脱。

我痴痴地回望走过的路，带走点点滴滴的无奈。如果能化作消失的美丽，我愿作你天空中最淡的一丝云彩...

First date and thereafter

I believe people are interested in many things, sex is merely one of them, and it is part of the natural progression of things as two people spend time together. So it is not necessarily true when men are labelled as “only after one thing”.

Now know that I am not talking about first date sex necessarily, but even having said that, if both people agree, why is it a stigma that if first date sex happens, it is one party’s "fault"?

If two people decide to be naked and horizontal, and neither has any issues with it, then perhaps it is absolutely fine, and it is not an awful thing. Sex is a physical thing. Hunger and thirst are as well. If you are hungry, you eat. If you are thirsty, you drink. Why is it taboo that if you are horny you have sex?

I tend to develop deep emotional feelings for someone to share something purely physical. Perhaps, along the way, my brain releases too much of oxytocins and it cause me to be bonded to someone whom I have met. Literally, I fall on someone I just met after some intimate sessions and I am being hooked. I wish there is chemical that boost my testosterone and my brain do not put out this oxytocins. Looking at this, shall I say it is all biological, but not emotions at all?

Life is too for us to deny ourselves pleasure over some stale societal mores. Protection, respect for each other, mutual consent and desire, etc these are mores too.

I am fine in the aftermath of casual encounters but not the case after a meaningful one. I may be satisfied after a meaningless one, but the feeling of being used and wish to develop further haunt me when I meet the right one resulting in letting myself down.

Up until this point, I have shown no evolutionary advantage in these.

Special dedicate this trivial poem to the Si Anjing, Sang Kancil, and Cacing Hutan I have met in OZ land.

Another night alone, going out again
To the bar that everyone goes to
When there's nowhere else to go
Funny how they all seem so happy
Downing shots of liquid depression
But don't think I'm so self-righteous
Trust me, I've had more than my share
Many a night, I've out drank them all
My own private island of oblivion

So I cover up the loneliness
Pick the best of an all out crowd
Where one's no better than the next
Start the show, pretend you care
About who's doing who, while you're doing them
Because there's no one else to screw with
Don't you know your voice is grating
Nails down a big black chalkboard
One more shot out of tune that out

Just shut up & get it over with
The night is almost spent & I'm getting bored
Remember the way you came in
Because soon you'll be on your way out
Don't think I'm cruel because I'm rushing
It's be nice to say it's not about you
But the buzz's wearing off, making me ill

So, come on, get your things
Yeah, great, I'll see you next week
The cycle will repeat again, I am sure
But hopefully it's not with me cause
I pray it's with anyone but you
Hours of prep work to scope out a place
When everyone else is doing the same
Funny you think you're high on the order
For me...one more shot out of tune you out

Moving overseas can be an experience of a life time and a fantastic opportunity to not only immerse into another culture but embrace the different lifestyle of that country. Undoubtedly, it is also daunting, where do I start, how do I go about it, is it the right thing to do? Fortunately for me, I had travelled and holidayed in Western country previously, therefore, I knew a little of what to expect.

4 years I have been settling down in Sydney. The years leading up to my move is exciting yet stressful, however, a little research and networking goes a long way.
Remind family and friends that I am about to embark on an awesome opportunity and they are more than welcome to visit whenever they want. I want them to know how much this opportunity means to me and reassure them I am prepared for the change. Keep in contact with them regularly, that’s what I do. Phone calls may be expensive but then I teach my mom how to use skype and chat with her over skype every now and then.

Lastly, however I simply have too many precious poohs stranded at home!!!

Dreams

For the past two weeks, I have heaps of dreams. It is very common for people to dream about their ex-partners. Individuals that have been an important part of our lives continue to take up a part of our mind and heart. It is impossible to dramatically shut the person out of thoughts and feelings. Just because the relationship ends does not mean that all is finished. You will continue to dream about your ex until you let go of them on a very important level, or until you learned your lessons from that relationship. Either way, dreaming about your ex-romance does not predict future involvement. It may be wish-fulfilment, reliving memories, or working out old issues. Dreams are very rarely prophetic.
日有所思，夜有所梦，有多少人在黑沉的夜里独自神游？又有多少人在梦醒来时更添一份惆怅？纵然如此，亦愿梦一场，至少在梦中，或许一直期待但又不可能实现的事情可以达成，也就可偷得一时半分的甜蜜幸福，这样又何必管它梦后如何怎样。梦纵再好，也有醒来的时候，这才是应恨的地方。

梦中不知君是客
见画一色叹其美
曹分两地形单影
慧眼一睁不胜悲

PS：拟写中文，词韵象境，最值得玩味。
劝君不妨多作梦，此物最是慰相思。

My Winnie the Pooh collections. Each of them is my precious. :)

Stop seeing someone

Stop seeing someone is not easy - especially if you have to stop seeing someone whom you really like. I never have you, “losing you” may be inappropriate, but that is what I see in this context, it inevitably breaks my heart…

I still harbouring hope that I will see you some times this week or maybe in the very near future.

I am so reluctant to stop letting the thoughts get into my head. I know I miss those good times we had. I never stop reminiscing on the wonderful times that we had while we were together in that mere 20 hours. However, at this most painful time soon after what’s happening, these thoughts do nothing good on me and only aggravate my pain and prolong my recovery by making myself feeling that I have sustained a major loss.

Should I be grateful for having been granted the joy of fun and affection from you at one point of time in which it just not meant to last? Knowing such wonderful memories are great to have, I should be thankful I had those great experiences from you and feelings towards you.

Continue living, pursue my professional and social goals and don’t leave much space for boredom in my life. I reassure myself.

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