Father Hunger

My voyage has almost come to an end. I soon found that I had overtaxed my strength, and that I must repose before I could continue my journey. There are always things that I would like to write about, for this time, my father, one whom I carry the family name but not further.

My relationship with my father can be seemed as complex. Our male tendencies to not communicate feelings are compounded as both want a better relationship but neither one quite knows how to go about it.  My father was largely irrelevant in my life. I was left to be floundering around not knowing what to do with such problematic and disoriented masculinity.

Father hunger, could it be the terminology I should use here? I guess life for most boys is a frustrating search for the lost father who has not yet offered protections and modelling. I went through my adolescent rituals day after day waiting for him to anoint me and treat me as good enough to be considered a man.

It was a series of personal and family trips hopping around Malaysia, Hong Kong and Thailand. It was this trip that made me aware that my father's care and attentions do exist and could be indefatigable despite the fact that he did not know the origin of problems, and sought erroneous methods to remedy the incurable ill in most instances. Sometimes, I abhorred the face of this man.

After marathon of trips, I fell sick. While I appeared to be an offspring of delirium, he bought me a take-away noodle soup along with the bowl and chopsticks plus spoon sent to my room. This would certainly, become a remembrance of which I preserved in my convalescence despite that I avoided gratefulness and maintained a continual silence being the wretch I had practised all these while.

Also, there was something remarkable happened this trip. With the holiday session in full swing, my father bought a new car in conjunction with my return. I have genuine appreciation for such convenience that would certainly minimise the stress of a long to-do list. 

As part of the resolutions for 2014, I shall focus more on my father, spending positive time together and perhaps talk about life lessons, scattered with a large doses of quiet and engaged listening, in the aim to develop nurturing and meaningful relationships allowing us to develop into men in the richest sense of that term.